


One Last Time

by greensweater



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom
Genre: AU, All The Ships, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst and Humor, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Married, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Phan, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Pining Phil, Sexual Tension, Shy Dan, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, cat ships it, louise ships it, video games - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-06-02 07:30:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 21,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6557380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greensweater/pseuds/greensweater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dan Howell moves in with Phil Lester to help pay the rent, Phil isn't expecting anything but a new friend. What happens, however, is a connection neither of them can deny, even as much as they want to. A Housemate!Phan au.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting Dan

My life started on a quiet Sunday morning. I was eating cereal, still clad in pajamas and half-asleep when I heard a quiet knock on the door.

“He’s here,” I mumbled to myself, almost spilling the milk as I stumbled towards the door.

A tall boy with shaggy brown hair politely waited outside. I unlocked the door, which took a moment since I had five locks, and opened it.

“Hi, I’m Dan. Your new housemate.”

“Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Phil, come inside. Sorry for the mess, by the way. As you can see, I just woke up about 20 minutes ago.”

He was tall, maybe taller than me, and I stood at about 6’2. I led him in to the kitchen, wincing at the appearance of the house. I had forgotten to clean last night.

“How old are you, by the way?” I asked him, hoping to put him at ease. The poor guy seemed extremely nervous.

“I just turned 18.” He offered me a shy smile, which lit up his face.

“Oh cool, I’m 22.”

We sat down at the table, and I regretfully glanced at my now-soggy cereal.

“Sorry for turning up early.”

“Oh, it’s alright. I got up too late, anyways.”

There was an awkward pause. Dan was clearly struggling for something to say.

“So, do you want me to show you your room?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Dan’s room was at the end of the hall, close to mine.

“We have to share a bathroom, unfortunately,” I explained, “Sorry, mate.”

Dan looked quickly up at me and then back at the ground. “Oh, no problem. I’m just glad I found a flatmate.”

“Better me than a serial killer, right?” I joked, hoping to lighten the mood and make the obviously nervous Dan feel more comfortable.

He grinned, making a dimple on his cheek appear, and I could see some of the tension leaving his shoulders. “I suppose. I’m not in the habit of keeping a weapon under my pillow.”

Thank goodness he had a sense of humor.

“Do you want some help moving your things in?” I offered, not wanting to watch the guy struggle while I ate cereal and watched anime.

“Oh, you don’t have to—I don’t have that much anyway.”

I shrugged. “Okay. Just ask if you need help.”

It turned out that Dan Howell wasn’t really the "asking for help" type. I could see him straining to lift his dresser, dragging it through the hall so awkwardly that it made me fear for my walls.

“Hey, hey. Let me help you.”

His face was red, and he gratefully jerked his head in appreciation.

We struggled through the hallway, trying to support the heavy dresser. Finally, we stopped at Dan’s room.

“Wow, what’s in there, rocks?”

Dan smiled awkwardly. “No.”

It was silent and I cursed the lack of things I had to say.

“You can go finish up breakfast, Phil. I’m okay here.”

“Oh, are you sure?”

“Yeah, go ahead."

I sighed, walking slowly back to the kitchen. Hopefully we could dissolve this tension, or it would be an awkward few years until one of us moved out.


	2. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a Party... And someone unexpected shows up.

It was our second week living together, and it was still awkward. I decided to form a plan.

“Hey, Dan.” I popped my head into his room after knocking.

“Oh, hey. What’s up?” He closed his laptop and looked at me.

“I’m having a sort of party tonight, and I was wondering-”

“Oh, okay. I can leave, stay over at someone’s house.”

“If you wanted to join us?”

Cue awkward silence.

“Uh, sure. Sure, that’s really nice of you.” He seemed a little flustered.

“You can invite people. It’s your flat as well as mine.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Okay.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

“I’m gonna go…”

“See you.” He promptly returned to browsing.

I shook my head and left the room. Hopefully this party would liven him up a bit.

 

…

 

It was 9 pm and people were starting to trickle in.

“Phil!”

“Hey, Zoe. Nice blouse!”

“Oh thank you! Got it this morning.” She really was adorable, kissing me on the cheek and moving away to talk to other people.

Dan still wasn’t out of his room, so I went to check on him. To my surprise, he was just walking out, clad in black skinny jeans, Converse, and a fresh black T-shirt.

He saw me and startled. “Hey, Phil. Just, you know, going to the party.”

I smiled. “Good.”

“And also, I invited a few people, is that okay?”

“Oh, no problem.”

We were so cordial and polite with each other that it made me cringe.

Back in the living room, my friends were already breaking out the alcohol.

Dan was actually mingling. I was surprised. He looked like he was having a good time, too.

I went over and tapped him on the shoulder. “Dan! Let me introduce you to Cat.”

I had been planning this, thinking that they would hit it off. “Cat! Come over here for a mo’.”

Cat walked over, looking pretty in a gray dress and red lipstick. “Great party, Phil. And who’s this?”

She was definitely interested.

“This is Dan, he just moved in with me.”

I saw a fleeting look of disappointment cross her face, then she smiled brightly at me. “Awesome! How long have you two been together?”

My face heated up. Shit, I should have definitely phrased that differently. Dan looked at me, confusion written all over his face.

“Cat, we’re not, you know… together.” I explained, glancing at Dan apologetically.

Dan blushed, finally getting it.

Cat looked back and forth between us. “Oh, I’m really sorry. My mistake.”

“No problem,” Dan spoke up.

Cat focused on him, interest rekindled. “Well, I should probably get to know you a little more, since you’re Phil’s new housemate.”

I smirked at him and moved away, leaving them to their conversation. Dan had game, apparently, and was pretty attractive, if I must say. He’d go well with Cat.

The doorbell rang, and I jumped up to get it, heart thumping. I hoped it was him.

“Phil!” It was him.

“Hey, Charlie.”

Charlie was my sort-of boyfriend. Not super official, but just enough to call it a relationship. He came inside, surveyed the party, and went straight for the booze. I grinned.

“Here you go.” He was back, handing a glass of whiskey to me.

“Thanks.” I looked down into his hazel eyes. Charlie was shorter than me, but only by a few inches.

He leaned forward and kissed me hard on the mouth. His tongue tasted like mint. When we pulled away, I remembered.

“I have to introduce you to someone.” I pulled him by the hand, over to Dan and Cat, still talking.

“Charlie!” Cat broke off her sentence, eyes sparkling. “I had no idea you and Phil were still-”

I cut her off with a shake of the head, and she got the message.

“Anyway, this is Dan, Phil’s new flatmate.”

“Just to help with the rent,” I explained. “And Dan, this is Charlie, my… um,”

“His boyfriend,” Charlie interrupted, grinning. I choked, shocked, and turned to look at him.

“What? I assumed.”

I shook my head, smiling widely. “Okay.”

Dan watched this exchange with round eyes.

Charlie pulled my face closer and started to kiss me, again. With everyone watching. I drew away quickly. “It’s too public!” I hissed quietly. “Later.”

He raised his eyebrows and took my hand. “Okay.”

I looked at Dan. He was chatting with Cat, oblivious to my discomfort. I let Charlie pull me into the kitchen, and I tore my eyes away.

“Hey.” He was really close. Really handsome.

“Hey.” I took a deep breath. “I… didn’t know you considered me a boyfriend."

Charlie looked confused. “Obviously you are, though.”

I shrugged. “Okay. Well, that’s good, because I really like you.”

He half-smiled, and it was cute, not going to lie.

“Yeah.” Charlie chuckled, and took another swig from his glass.

The mood was only heightened by the sight of Cat pulling Dan into a dark closet.

It was beginning to be a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh what will happen next... Also I'm proud of the closet joke. Anyway, thanks for reading, more on the way soon xx-Shippingslut


	3. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil finally get over their awkwardness.

Charlie and I stumbled into my bedroom two hours later, drunk and giggling.

 

“Phil, Phil, Phil,” he said excitedly, “We should… fuck. Right now.”

We’d had sex before, but the idea of it sounded immensely appealing.

“Yes.” I stated, trying to focus on his blurry face. “We should.”

He smiled cheerily at me and pulled me down on top of him, making out furiously with me. It was wet and messy and tasted like alcohol, but I was too drunk to care. Charlie was kissing me for the first time in months, and I didn’t want it to end. I slipped my hands under his shirt, feeling the warm firmness of his stocky chest, and drew him closer. I was feeling good and in control… and that’s when Charlie fell slack. I slowly pulled away, shaking my head, and saw that he had fallen asleep. Understandable, since we were both really drunk, but I was pissed anyways.

“Charlie!” I shook him.

“What?” he mumbled. “Leave me alone.”

I growled in frustration and went to join the party, leaving him nestled in my bed. The one time I ask for anything from him, and he fucking falls asleep? In the middle of snogging? I didn’t understand, and I felt hurt and confused. 

The only remedy for that was to drink even more.

I don’t really remember what happened after that. I recalled flashes of it the next morning, while my head was in the toilet: a lot of drinking, and a lot of partying. Hangovers always hit me hard. Dan was in a similar position, and we took turns helping each other out of the bathroom, basically all morning. Well, at least we got over our awkwardness. Somehow, seeing another guy puke in his skivvies for an hour tears all the barriers down.

Charlie wasn’t there when I had woken. I assumed he’d left during the night. I was disappointed, but still a bit hurt from the events that had taken place the night before.

When Dan and I finally were done throwing up, we sat down, exhausted, on the couch. It was noon already, and we winced at the bright sunlight.

“I just realized,” said Dan finally, “That you sound really northern.”

I laughed, and the tension broke. “That’s probably because I’m from Manchester. And you sound really posh.”

“I’m articulate,” he retorted, offended. “I watched a lot of Winnie the Pooh growing up, so that’s the main reason,” Dan added as an afterthought.

He was funny. Who knew?

“Hey, not to be nosy or anything, but what happened with Cat last night?”

Dan snorted, then blushed. “Ah, you know, closet snogging. The usual. What happened with you?”

“You mean Charlie?”

He nodded.

“Oh, um, long and embarrassing story. He fell asleep while we were about to, you know…”

Dan cringed in sympathy.

I hesitated. “Are—are you okay with that? With me having a boyfriend?”

“Oh, yeah! I’m totally fine with it, no worries.”

There was another thing I didn’t have to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these chapters are so short. I'm keeping them coming, I promise. Thanks for reading so far!


	4. Breakfast With Dan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil go out for breakfast after their wild night.

Dan and I were too tired to cook, so we went out for breakfast at the ratty diner down the street from our flat. We ordered a ton of food and started to ask each other questions, making it a game.

“What’s your favorite kind of pancake?” I asked between huge bites of a Belgian waffle, soaked with syrup and butter.

“Chocolate chip. No question,” replied Dan immediately. He stabbed a sausage and shoved it in his mouth.

“Really? I go traditional. Just plain with lots of toppings.”

Dan inclined his head. “I respect that.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes. The diner may have lacked proper sanitation, but the food was amazing.

“So.” Dan licked his knife. “Favorite color.”

“I like all of them, but I would have to say either green or blue. You?”

He thought about it for a moment. “I wear a lot of black, but it isn't my favorite. I like blue,” he said seriously, looking into my eyes.

I felt a twinge in my stomach, but quickly pushed it down, attributing it to the food and the hangover.

“Cool.”

We reached for the syrup jug at the same time and our fingers brushed, sending a shiver down my spine. What was happening?

My phone buzzed, and I looked down at the screen to see a glowing message from Charlie. _Where are you? Let’s hang out._

I looked guiltily up at Dan. “Hey, Dan. Is it okay if we wrap this up soon?”

He paused, mid-chew. “Why? What happened?”

“I mean, not right _now_ , but Charlie just texted me.”

Dan nodded in understanding. “Sure.”

We left a few minutes later. It was a nice day out, sunny and cheerful. I grabbed Dan’s arm when I saw a homeless woman and her two kids, sitting on the sidewalk. Dan looked at me, confused.

“Hold on a second.” I walked up to the woman and pressed as many pounds as I had into her hand. 

She looked up at me. “God bless you, sir.”

I smiled sadly at her and went back to Dan. He had a look of genuine respect on his face.

“What?” I grew a bit self-conscious.

“You are a lovely person, Phil.” 

I didn’t think he was making fun of me, but I got a little defensive.

“She had kids, Dan.”

“What? I’m just saying, you’re really kind.”

I looked at him, at his dark eyes and straightened hair and little dimple. I looked at his black clothes hanging over his thin form and at the way his eyes were secretly sad and a little bit wild under his cool façade. 

And I smiled. “You’re lovely as well, Dan Howell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sappy at heart, I really am. So, what did you all think of this chapter? Let me know!


	5. Charlie's Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie comes over and sexy times ensue. Hopefully, Dan stays out of the house...

There was a knock on the door, and I jumped up to open it, heart in my throat. Dan had graciously left the flat for the majority of the day, so Charlie and I would have it all to ourselves. I opened the door eagerly. 

My boyfriend stood there, leaning against the door frame. I bit my lip to keep from smiling too widely at the sight of him.

“Hey, Phil.” His face was pasty-pale from the effects of the excessive alcohol binge. “I feel like shit.”

“Same here. Luckily, I had some breakfast, so I feel better now. Here, sit on the couch.”

We plopped down, and he sank into the cushions with a small groan. A little smile appeared on his face. “Better.”

Charlie was silent after that, and we sat quietly for a few minutes. I shyly moved my hand closer to him, so that he would hold it. He seemed not to notice, so I withdrew it, a bit disappointed. 

“How have you been, Phil? I mean, since last night.” He grinned up at me.

I shrugged. “Okay, huge hangover. And Dan and I went out for breakfast. That’s all.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “Oh. I didn’t know you were that close with him.”

“I’m not, really. It’s only been a few weeks,” I said somewhat nervously, not wanting to make him suspicious. “Oh, did I tell you? I set him up with Cat, and they looked pretty cozy last night…”

Charlie laughed delightedly. “Closet snogs?”

“Closet snogs,” I agreed. “In fact, I think they’re meeting up soon. Another success for Phil the Matchmaker.”

“Nice one.”

We were now more comfortable with each other, and I could breathe easily again.

“So, what do you want to do, Phil?” He looked at me with sly eyes. “We never got to finish up our little session last night.”

“That’s because someone fell asleep,” I teased. “But I wouldn’t be averse to continuing…”

He didn’t fall asleep this time. He definitely, most certainly, did not.

We were finished, lying cuddled in my bed and softly talking. I was so focused on Charlie that I didn’t notice the knock at the door. 

“Phil?” The door creaked open and I saw Dan peering through.

I jumped and attempted to hide under the covers, something I will never fail to be embarrassed by. Charlie didn’t move, instead smiling lazily at Dan.

“Oh, God, I am so sorry,” Dan immediately rushed, “Oh God.”

His face turned a violent shade of red, and he quickly shut his eyes.

“I’m really—I’m really sorry, guys,” he kept saying.

I got over my brief humiliation and peeked out from under the sheets. 

“It’s okay, Dan,” I reassured him. “It’s fine. But, uh, could you close the door?”

Dan nodded, still blushing, and shut the door firmly.

I rolled over and looked at Charlie. We stared at each other for a moment, then started to laugh.

Dan, a guy I’d known for barely three weeks, had just caught me in bed with another man. It was hilarious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Dan. Traumatized for life. More coming soon!


	6. Facing Dan and Stealing Chips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tries to get over his embarrassment.

Charlie had left, and I was hiding in my room. Dan, I presumed, was doing the same thing. Charlie and I had laughed about it, but after the shock wore off, I realized how embarrassing the situation really was. I mean, I had known Dan not even a month, and he’d already seen me naked and lying in bed with my boyfriend. What does he think of me? And would I ever be able to leave my room ever again? 

The latter was answered when I got hungry. I seriously had a craving for those leftover chips from the party. I steeled myself, and flexed in the mirror a few times, which always filled me with a little more confidence. Then I crept out of my room to the kitchen, hoping Dan wouldn’t hear me.

Of course, the first thing I saw when I walked into the kitchen was Dan, eating the cold chips from a container. We both froze, me with my hand on the wall, and him with a chip hanging out of his mouth. 

“H-hey, Dan,” I said weakly. “How’re… those chips?”

A crimson flush slowly made its way up his neck to his face. “Good,” he mumbled, then fully swallowed and wiped his mouth with his hand. “They’re good.”

I nodded, a bit more quickly than needed. “That’s… good.”

We looked at each other for a few more seconds, then burst out in laughter. 

“You—you’re eating chips,” I gasped, doubled over against the wall, “You saw me naked after I fucked Charlie and you’re just sitting in the kitchen, eating chips.”

“Well, what should I be doing?” Dan wheezed through his howls of laughter, “Hiding out in my room, reliving the memory of seeing two naked men in the same bed?”

I couldn’t talk, just shook my head and let it all out. Just when I thought I could stop:

“Because I presume that’s what you were doing,” Dan choked.

And we were set off again. By the time we had finally collected ourselves, my stomach hurt and tears were clouding my vision. Dan had his head down on the table and was breathing deeply, trying to control himself.

“Oh my God. That was intense,” Dan said, head still down. “Intense.”

I walked over and sat down next to him. “Yeah, well, we needed a good laugh.” I paused, then smiled self-consciously. “After all, I’ve been really embarrassed for a few hours.”

Dan’s smile faded a little. “You didn’t have to be.”

I cocked my head, confused. “Why not? It was a weird situation.”

Dan shrugged. “I’m over it. It’s in the past. Besides,” he wiggled his eyebrows evilly, “It’s not like I haven’t seen anything. I’m not innocent, you know.”

I felt heat brushing my cheeks, and I swallowed. The air was somehow thick and hard to breathe. “I suppose. I mean, you are a legal adult. Technically.”

He laughed. “Technically.”

I took a chip from his plate. 

“Hey! Thief.” Dan swatted my hand away and grinned.

I stole another because his dimple was so cute.

Wait. What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOOOOO thanks for all the hits fam. I'm posting often, so keep checking back in thx


	7. Dan and Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan goes on a date with Cat, and, of course, gets drunk.

One Month Later

 

“I’m going out with Cat tonight,” Dan told me over takeout. “We’re seeing a film.”

“That’s great, Dan. Wonderful.” I smiled, then reached over him to snag another piece of sushi with my fork.

I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. Not in a romantic way; it’s just that Dan and I had become fast friends over the past few months, and I had found myself thinking of him as my best friend. As I hadn’t had a best friend for a few years, it made me happy to see him down the hall every day. But now he was seeing Cat, more and more. And I really, really didn’t want him to move out. I already missed him when he was at university all day. I didn’t want to see him less.

“Alright, well, better go brush my teeth.” He winked at me and started clearing his plate.

I saw him off an hour later. He looked good, dressed in a clean white button-down and black jeans, earring in and hair slightly curled from his shower.

“Have a good time, Dan.”

“Thanks, mum,” he replied jokingly.

I rolled my eyes. 

And he was off. I felt a little wistful…and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I shrugged and went back inside to watch some telly and wait for Dan to get back.

…

He was two hours late, and I was close to calling the local hospitals. I was sitting on the couch, holding my cell in my hand, when I heard someone fumbling with the latch. I jumped up and ran to the door.

It was Cat, supporting a limp, obviously drunk Dan.

“Hey, Phil, a little help?”

A few minutes later, we had him lying on the sofa. 

“Christ, that was a workout,” Cat sighed and rubbed her eyes, not seeming to care if her makeup smudged.

“What the hell happened, Cat?”

She massaged her temples. “After the movie, which sucked, we went to a pub and got smashed. Well, he did, at least. I have a high tolerance.” Cat laughed tiredly. 

“Sorry, Cat.”

Cat shrugged. “It’s all right. We already agreed tonight to stop seeing each other, anyway.”

I was shocked. “What? I thought you two had something!”

“So did I, to be perfectly honest. But, you know, we weren’t really each other’s type.” She put emphasis onto the last word, looking pointedly at me, as if I was supposed to know what that meant.

Girls. I was so happy I was gay.

“Alright, I’m off.” Cat tapped her phone. “Uber’s outside.”

“See you, Cat. Sorry about tonight.”

“I’ll recover.” She winked. “Just… yeah.” It looked like she was about to say something else, but decided against it.

Cat left, and I was left alone with a drunk, half-awake Dan on the couch. 

He squinted one bloodshot eye open, then laughed. “Oh, Phil.”

I giggled, since he really did look hilarious, his long legs hanging over the edge. 

“Dan, what did you do to yourself, mate?”

Dan struggled to prop himself up, but lost his traction and flopped back down. “I—I dunno. Had a LOT. Of drinks and. Did some things. Mistakes were made, Philly.”

“Okay, Danny.”

“Don’t-Don’t call me that name, it’s stupid. Really, really stupid.”

I could see his eyes slowly closing. “Night, Dan.”

“Ni’ Phil.” He was then transported to dreamland. His hair was messy, and on an impulse, I reached over and smoothed a stray lock.

I smiled to myself, and went off to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how's it. i really really love when friends ship it. anyway, i'll try to update a lot but it might be hard since homework.


	8. Dan's News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan drops some surprising news on Phil, and they have a game night to celebrate.

“Phil, can I talk to you about something?” Dan asked, looking nervous and twisting his hands together. Shit. Oh God, he’s going to move out. And I’ll never see him again. And—

“I think I’m going to drop out of university.”

I could have cried with relief, but then his words hit me. “D-drop out of uni? Why?”

Dan sat down on the couch next to me. “I’ve just been feeling-I dunno, sort of trapped lately. Like—like law is my only option, and I don’t even like it all that much. And I kind of hate uni.”

I looked at him, his agonized and anxious face. “Dan… I’ll support you no matter what, and you know that. Have you really, really thought about this?”

“Yes.” His answer was immediate. “Trust me, I have. And you’re the first person I’ve told.”

I smiled slightly. “I’m honored.”

He relaxed a little bit, and I could see the tension leaving his shoulders. “Do you think my parents will be angry?”

“I think they’ll be shocked, maybe disappointed, but I think they’ll ultimately support your decision.”

Dan met my eyes. “Thank you, Phil,” he said seriously. “Really.”

“I’ll always be here for you.” 

We sat together, silent but not uncomfortably so. The quiet wrapped around us like a warm blanket, shielding us from the rest of the world. I swung myself onto the couch and shifted around until my back rested on Dan’s legs. Even though they were kind of bony, they were oddly comfortable.

“Phil,” Dan eventually said.

“Yeah?”

“My legs are going numb.”

I grinned and turned round to face him again. “Sorry.”

“All good.” Dan stood up. “I can order a pizza,” he offered.

“Do that. Hey, how about we have a game night? Just us, to celebrate.”

He looked confused. “Celebrate what? Me dropping out of school to become a hobo and living in my best friend’s house for the rest of my life?”

A little ball of sunlight burst in my chest, spreading to every part of my body. “Exactly.”

“Cool.” He was already dialing on his phone, unaware of the emotions flooding through me.

He had finally officially called me his best friend. I had considered him to be mine, but I didn’t think he considered me his. I mean, he probably had other friends, right? But now… I was happy. I was so happy I could feel it lighting up my face and probably shining out of my eyes.

“Phil? What toppings do you want?” Dan reappeared, holding the phone in his left hand.

“Anything is fine,” I replied, still grinning like a maniac.

“Alright, olives it is.”

Why was I so happy? He was my friend. I knew we were close. Why was I beaming like I'd just won the lottery? Huh. Maybe I'd just spent too much time by myself and latched on to the first human being that came through my door.

The pizza came, and I wafted the heavenly smell to me. We set up everything we’d need for a game night: food, caffeine, and tons of video games.

Dan and I plopped onto the couch, slippers on and curtains drawn.

“First game?” I asked.

He gave me a sly smirk. “Mario.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, God.”

It was on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love when characters are in love but don't even know it yet... sorry but i love it. If you liked, comment below :)


	9. Pancakes Are Magical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Dan and Phil's massive all-nighter, they need pancakes to help them recover.

Dan and I played video games until we could see daylight piercing through the drawn curtains. 

“Wow, at least I don’t have school today,” Dan murmured, concentrating on the game, “I can barely keep my eyes open, but somehow I’m completely awake.”

I smiled. When we stayed up all night together, Dan always got tired and spouted some weird, profound nonsense.

“I can make pancakes if you’re hungry,” I offered. 

Dan grinned at me, his cute little dimple making an appearance. “Yes. Make pancakes. And I will bow down to you as my new god.”

I rolled my eyes and stretched, as I hadn’t moved the entire night. “Oh, God, my arm feels like death.”

“You got no sympathy from me, mate. My legs are so asleep it feels like ants are living inside of my bones.”

I winced at the image, then slowly got up and moved towards the kitchen. It was early, the birds just starting to sing while sunlight streamed through the window, brightening the kitchen. I debated whether to make the pancakes from scratch, or to just use mix, but decided on making them au natural. Those tasted better, anyway.

While I carefully ladled the batter onto the skillet, Dan turned on the radio. Music filled the kitchen and I started to relax. 

"I won’t give up… on… us…"

“Oh my God!” laughed Dan, “I haven’t heard this in forever!”

He got up and shakily began to sway in an awkward dance. I started giggling, since he looked absolutely ridiculous. 

“What?” he asked, raising his eyebrows innocently at me, “You don’t like my dancing, Phil?”

I flipped a pancake. “You look insane.” But I couldn’t keep a straight face and my chuckles gave me away.

“You love it, don’t lie,” Dan said with a degree of certainty, “You love my dancing.”

A flush started to creep up my neck and I swallowed, shaking my head like a punch-drunk puppy. 

“Pancakes are ready,” I said, my voice suddenly husky.

Dan stopped dancing and made a bee-line for the plates. “Hit me.”

The pancakes were delicious, and Dan loudly expressed his appreciation in between mouthfuls. They were gone in 15 minutes, and we sat there, full and sleepy at the breakfast table.

“Was staying up all night a mistake?” asked Dan.

I looked over at him, at his puffy eyes and messy hair, his thin tank top and sweatpants disheveled. 

“Absolutely not.”

...

We slept all day, since Dan was off from school (not that it mattered anyway) and work for me didn't start up until Tuesday. 

I was a zookeeper, as I LOVED animals and taking care of them. Unfortunately, my flat didn't allow pets, but I got to see them every day at work. 

Tuesday kind of sucked, because my sleep schedule was off by about 5 hours. Also, my favorite monkey, Samuel, died and Charlie stopped by at the exact moment I was covered in dirt from digging a grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my updates suck, I've been EXTREMELY busy. Also I'm seeing Dan and Phil tomorrow on tour so I'm super excited!


	10. A Pretty Deep Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie visits Phil at work, and Phil realizes he's forgotten something.

"Hey, Phil." Charlie approached with a hesitant smile on his face. "What's up?"

Shit. Oh, God. I was covered in grime and dust and my perfectly pristine boyfriend was at my work. Oh my God.

I sprang up to my feet and tried to brush off the dirt. I was unsuccessful. 

"Um, you know, just digging a monkey grave," I said, motioning to the trench behind me. The sun was beating down by this point, an uncommonly hot day in June. Luckily, I had put a ton of extra-strength sun cream on beforehand, so my skin wouldn't burn. However, it offered no protection from sweat, and I could feel my shirt sticking to my body.

"Oh, cool." 

"So, what are you doing here on this glorious day?" I asked.

"Viewing the views, seeing the sights."

"Really?"

He laughed and knocked me with his shoulder. "No, I'm visiting you, dummy."

I blushed. "Oh."

"By the way, you look hot as hell in that zookeeper outfit," he remarked.

I was bright red by this point. "Thanks... But I should really get back to..." I motioned to the grave behind me.

He scoffed and took my sweaty hand. "Oh come on, let's leave," he urged, "Right now. Go out, have a date."

"I can't, I'm sorry, I have to finish."

"Aw, man. Then how about tonight? Let's go out tonight," he wheedled, actually kind of annoying me.

It was strange how the tables had turned. Ordinarily, I'd be the one asking him on a date, hoping he wouldn't turn me down. Times had changed. I felt a bit powerful, to be honest. It was nice to finally be in control of the relationship.

I was going to cave and accept the offer, but then I remembered something, and almost smacked myself in the face. It was Dan's birthday today, and even though he'd gone on and on about how much he didn't want me to do anything, I could sense the yearning inside him for a big fuss. I mean, who knew him better than I? Sure, he'd only moved in about 10 months ago, but we'd already developed a pretty deep bond between us. So I called Louise a few weeks ago, and she was going to bring some of Dan's friends and we'd have a little party for him. 

"I'm sorry, Charlie, but I can't," I said, putting on my most regretful face, "It's Dan's birthday tonight."

A strange expression crossed his face, almost like... jealousy? "Fine, okay. Have fun at Dan's birthday." He walked away, and I could tell he was pissed.

Whatever. I'd deal with the fallout later. For now, I had to finish digging this monkey grave and drive home so that I could set up. 

This was going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I went to go see TATINOF, and it was AMAZING, 10/10, everything I hoped for. Also my friend and I waited outside by the tour bus and we got to say goodbye to them, and I was like a foot away from them, no joke. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet them, but one day, for sure.


	11. Happy Birthday, Dan Howell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tries to make Dan's birthday the best ever.

“Happy birthday, Dan.”

I’d rushed home for the party after my interlude at work with Charlie. Louise was running late, as were Chris and PJ. And I was panicking.

“Thanks, Phil.” Dan looked up from his laptop and smiled at me. I noticed the dark smudges under his eyes, and a new layer of worry was added to the mountain of things I was occupied with. 

I felt that I should at least warn him of the party to come. “Hey, I invited a few of your friends over, and we’re going to have a little party tonight.”

His reaction was not what I was expecting. 

“Are you serious?” Dan stared at me, his eyes wide and brows furrowed.

“Yeah… I thought, I mean, it’s your birthday, after all—”

“Phil.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, and sighed heavily. “I’m in sweatpants, the flat is a mess, and I haven’t showered in two days.”

I could see his point, and started to second-guess my rash decision. We hadn’t really cleaned a ton, and our alcohol stash was slowly running out. I had a sneaking suspicion that Dan drank a little every day when I  
was gone, but that wasn’t high on my list of priorities. 

“Okay.” I cracked my knuckles. “We’re going to make this party happen.”

Dan looked dramatically away from me, as if at a camera. “Oh, God. This is happening. Okay.”

And we got to work.

 

…

 

It was party time. The house was relatively clean and Louise had agreed to bring the necessary booze and cake. Hopefully, things would go as planned and Dan would enjoy his birthday. 

The doorbell rang. I sprang up to open it, as Dan was still in his room getting dressed. 

“Hi!” It was Chris and PJ, each carrying a present.

“Hey, guys, come on in. Dan, PJ and Chris are here!” I motioned for the guests to come inside. “Sorry, he’s still getting dressed, the slow asshole.”

“Hey! Rude.” 

I turned around and Dan was standing in the entrance to the kitchen, smiling despite his mock-offended air. He’d dressed up, wearing a leather jacket with black jeans and cool boots with zips in unconventional places. Dan looked… really nice, actually. I felt a strange ache in my chest, but pushed it down, attributing it to anticipation.

The doorbell rang again, saving me from making a comeback. 

“I hope I’m not late!” Louise pushed her way inside, arms laden with bags and packages. “Here’s the cake,” she whispered to me with a devilish grin.

I took the large, flat box from her and deposited it in the kitchen. The sky was changing into sunset, blue becoming a shadowy orange. 

“Hey, come see the sunset!” I called. The group trooped in. 

“Breathtaking,” breathed Dan, who had come to stand next to me, leaning on the windowsill. I glanced over at him. His eyes drank in the hues of the sky, the pink streaks melding into orange and red, dark blue slowly taking over the colors. Dan’s face looked young suddenly, naïve and filled with an odd sense of yearning. And he really couldn’t know how beautiful he was, gazing at the colors painting the sky. Before I knew it, the sky turned to night and I had missed the whole sunset. 

“Okay, it’s officially night, now let’s break out the wine,” said PJ, winking at me. “I hope Louise didn’t buy GAS-STATION PISS!” He raised his voice for the last few words, and Louise swatted his arm. 

“Shut it, PJ. I have the finest wine taste, I’ll have you know,” she sniffed. She only managed to keep up the snooty façade for a second before she started cracking up. Louise’s laugh was infectious, and soon enough, we all needed to clutch something for support as howls filled the kitchen. 

“Alright, alright,” Chris gasped, wiping his eyes. “Wine time.”

Louise popped the cork off and we drained the bottle in twenty minutes, talking about our jobs, and Dan’s dropout, and relationship issues. Until Louise, of course, had an idea.

“We should play Truth or Dare,” she announced, tipsy from her third glass.

Dan groaned. “What are we, twelve?”

“I think it’ll be fun,” said Chris, trying to focus on him. Chris had the lowest tolerance, and it was hilarious. “We should do it.”

“It’s Dan’s birthday, you guys,” I said, trying to focus their attention back on the big picture. “I think we should let him decide.”

Dan shrugged and took a swig of alcohol. “Fine. Let’s play.”

“Yay!” Louise grinned widely and clapped her hands. “I’ll go first. Hmmm… PJ.”

PJ looked rather scared.

“Truth or Dare?”

He bit his lip, deciding which choice would cause him the least physical or emotional pain. “I pick… truth.”

Louise giggled rather crazily. Poor PJ looked like he was regretting all of his life choices. “Would you date Chris? If you could?”

Dan and I looked at each other in alarm. This was a subject that we didn’t touch. Everyone but Louise, it seemed, knew that Chris had a thing for PJ, and PJ had no idea. And PJ didn’t have a thing for Chris. And PJ was about to break Chris’s heart. Oh, God. Oh, Louise.

Chris sat up, suddenly lucid, and I saw his jaw clench. Shit.

PJ looked uncomfortable. “Uh, I don’t know…” he mumbled, squirming around in his chair and taking a sip of wine to hide his discomfort. “If I were attracted to guys, sure. I mean, Chris is relatively fit, and he’s my best friend. I guess so, hypothetically…”

We could literally see Chris’s heart break a little more with every word that came out of poor, tactless, stupid PJ’s mouth. 

“Okay!” I said loudly, drawing the attention back to me. “Dan. Truth or Dare?”

“Um, Dare, I suppose.” He grimaced as we tried not to notice Chris chugging his glass down.

“All right. I dare you to…” I smiled. “Kiss the prettiest person in the room on the cheek.”

Dan swallowed, and I saw his hands shake a little as he removed them from the stem of his wineglass. I assumed he would kiss Louise, which is why I’d said “on the cheek.” But to my surprise, he leaned over to me and lightly touched my cheek with his lips, then pulled away.

I sat there in surprise, then I looked over at Dan. He was laughing, his cheeks a rosy red. It was the wine, and the cosy atmosphere, and the intimacy of our friendship that had prompted him, I was sure. Obviously it was a joke. So why did my skin burn where Dan’s lips had touched?

Louise was cackling wildly, and slapping her thighs. “Oh, Phil,” she gasped. “If you could see your face…”

I started to chuckle. This was nice, wasn’t it, a room full of friends who could laugh with each other and play stupid, childish games with each other and kiss each other platonically on the cheeks… 

We moved on to presents soon after that awkward interlude, for which everyone was grateful.

“I got you Kanye’s new album.” Louise pushed the small package into Dan’s hands. 

“Thanks, Louise!” He tore the wrapping off and grinned down at it. “Brilliant.”

Chris got him a shirt that had the words “College Dropout” emblazoned on the front, to which Dan rolled his eyes, but thanked his friend all the same. PJ gave him a new, cool watch.

And I had gotten us tickets to the Muse “Resistance” tour, which we’d both dreamed about for ages. I watched with baited breath as Dan opened the present.

He looked up at me and the expression on his face was well worth the money I’d spent on quality seats.

“Oh my God.”

I smiled down at him. “You’re welcome.”

Dan put the tickets carefully on the table, got up, and hugged me tightly. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he whispered into my ear. “Oh my God.”

I hugged him back, and we stayed like that for a moment.

“Get a room!” called PJ, snickering.

“Fuck off, mate,” Dan snorted, finally releasing me.

But his smirk disappeared when he looked at me again, and a genuine, sweet smile appeared on his face.

God, it was so worth getting those tickets. 

“See you soon!” said Louise, kissing my cheek and departing for her taxi. PJ and Chris had already left.

I went back inside to find Dan sprawled on the couch, already on his laptop.

“So, was it a good 19th birthday?”

He met my eyes and my breath seemed to come a little faster.

“The best,” he said seriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH tension. My favorite. Also, I did some actual research (kinda) for this chapter. Muse's "Resistance" tour began in 2009, and lasted till 2011 so I feel like Dan and Phil probs went. Leave a comment if you liked!


	12. Existential Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finally witnesses one of Dan's infamous existential crises.

Dan had previously informed me of his many “existential crises.” And I had thought he was exaggerating. I mean, didn’t we all have those deep, introspective thoughts about ourselves and the universe? I had even thought them to be humorous, the way Dan described them. But then I had to actually deal with one.

I opened the door, plastic shopping bags dangling from my hands. “Dan, I bought food and detergent!” I called, kicking the door shut behind me. There was no reply.

“Hello?” He was obviously home, but I figured he just had his headphones on and couldn’t hear me.

I shrugged and headed towards the kitchen to put the grocery bags on the counter. But when I exited, I saw a tall, thin figure lying on the ground. A jolt of fear pierced my stomach and I ran to him, hoping he was all right.

“Dan?” My voice came out shaky and an octave higher than my normal timbre, and I knelt and put my hand on his back. I was honestly scared for a moment, since I couldn’t feel him breathing at first, but then he twitched.

“Dan, what are you doing?”

He didn’t say anything. I lay down on the floor next to him, and turned my face so our noses were almost touching. His eyes opened, slowly as honey pouring out of a jar. That simple movement was enough to scare me witless. 

“Do I need to call someone?” I asked him quietly, my voice shaky.

His eyelids fluttered closed. “It’s alright, Phil,” he finally said, his voice no louder than a murmur. “You know… I told you… existential crisis.”

Horrible realization flowed through me. So this is what they looked like. No comic rolling around, moaning philosophically about life and death. Just lying on the floor, barely moving, and scaring the shit out of me. 

Dan sighed, a long, heavy sound, and I could see his jaw working, the subtlety of bone and muscle moving under the skin. 

“Can I get you anything, Dan?” I asked, hoisting myself up. “What do you need?”

He was silent for a moment, then mumbled, “I don’t know.”

And this hurt. It really hurt, seeing my best friend lying in a pit of despair, not knowing what I could do to help. 

But I was a Brit, and what do the British do in a crisis? Make tea. So I made Dan’s favorite, ginger with a drop of honey. 

When I went back into the hallway with a cup of steaming tea in my hand, Dan was in the exact same position. I sighed and sat cross-legged by his still form, careful not to drop the hot liquid in my hand. 

“I made you some tea,” I said gently, awkwardly touching his shoulder. “Ginger, your favorite.”

Eventually: “Thanks, Phil.”

I hesitated, not knowing what to say, really. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“…No.”

So I stayed with him. It took about an hour before he felt better, and was able to sit up and sip the now-cold tea. I didn’t mind sitting there. It was almost therapeutic, listening to Dan breathe in and out and in and out, like the waves on the beach. When he finally stirred and sat up, he wouldn’t meet my eyes, even when I asked him if he was okay.

“’M fine,” he mumbles, staring into his tea.

I changed the subject, seeing that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Want some chocolate?” 

He looked up at me, a small glimmer of life starting to return to his eyes. “Thank you, Phil. I-I really appreciate--” Dan seemed to struggle for the next words, and I put a hand on his shoulder, wordlessly telling him that he didn’t need to continue, that I understood. He sighed, and tension melted off his bent shoulders.

I swallowed, fighting down a lump in my throat that just… appeared at the sight of him looking so…lonely and grateful and lost. “No problem.”

I got up and grabbed a box of Maltesers, Dan’s favorite. We ate the whole thing together, like absolute hogs, but it was clear we both needed some chocolate comfort.

Dan appeared to be feeling much better, and relief spilled over me, mixed with the underlying worry I felt for him.

Were existential crises a word Dan put in place of something bigger, something much more serious? I hoped, hoped to God that this would pass and he wouldn’t have to deal with anything really bad. 

Also, seeing Dan in this much pain was the worst thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter, since I'm working on a crazy amount of revisions at the moment. Also it's really fucking cheesy, apologies


	13. Time for Charlie's Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie calls Phil, crying, and Phil doesn't know how to handle it.

Charlie called me a few days later. 

“Phil…” He was crying.

I shot a look of panic to Dan. I wasn’t very good at handling Charlie in a crisis, but I was going to try my best.

“Phil, I need you.” My boyfriend didn’t sound good. I could hear repressed sobs in his breaking voice and I winced, knowing it was bad this time. Charlie had a variety of problems, part of the reason why we were on-and-off for a while.

“Charlie. Take a deep breath.” I spoke firmly but gently into the phone, Dan looking at me with worry and confusion in his eyes. “You’ll be okay. I’m on my way over now, alright?”

“Y-yeah. Hurry.” He hung up the phone abruptly.

“Is he okay?” Dan asked.

I sighed. “Charlie… he’s troubled. Trauma in his life. It’s not my place to go into details.” I was already gathering my things, money for the bus in hand.

“Phil.” Dan looked at me steadily. 

I paused, my hand on the doorknob. 

“Yeah?”

“Tell him I said that this will pass... and that I-I know some things about breaking down, and having issues, so tell him to talk to me if he ever wants to.”

For no reason at all, I felt a lump forming in my throat. 

“I will. And… thank you, Dan. For everything.”

He half-smiled.

“No problem. Now, go.” Dan’s eyes flickered downwards. “He needs you.”

I nodded, and stepped out the door, grateful to have a friend like Dan in my life.

 

…

 

I knocked hesitantly on the door to Charlie’s flat. While I waited, I paced the hallway, grimacing at the sour smell of sweat and cigarettes the permeated the air, and noticed the nicks in the stained, yellow walls. His building was in the rough part of London, and my fingers subconsciously crept towards my phone.

“Come on, open up,” I muttered, knocking again, this time a little louder.

The door opened slowly and I quickly made my way inside.

Charlie looked terrible. I took him in, unshaven, matted hair, and bloodshot, puffy eyes. He looked like a heroin addict. Nothing like the spunky, clean-cut guy I associated him with. 

“Hey, Phil,” he rasped. 

“God, Charlie, what happened to you?”

He shakily motioned towards the couch, and we sat down together, me keeping a respectful distance from him.

“I got drunk, thought about my life, and fell into a pit,” Charlie said. “And I called you to get me out of it.”

I looked down at my hands, nervously twisted around each other. Nothing came out of my mouth. This was a responsibility I hadn’t asked for, didn’t know how to deal with, but was thrown at me anyway.

“Tell me how.”

Charlie laughed, a harsh, bitter sound. “I thought you’d know.”

A tight ball of anger started building in my stomach. First Dan, now Charlie. Why was it always my job to save everyone from their problems? I knew it wasn’t fair to blame them, but a small, stupid part of my mind that I’d tried to keep tucked away and out of sight whispered to me, _Tell him to get over it. To go to a therapist and confide in a professional instead of you. You can’t help him. What are you? Just a boyfriend he’s had for a year. You aren’t able to help him. As a matter of fact, you aren’t able to help anyone, least of all Charlie… or Dan._

I shoved those thoughts away as quickly as they appeared, then took a deep breath. 

“I don’t know how to help you, Charlie.”

Charlie snorted. “Figures. I can’t be fixed.”

I was taken aback. “Just… tell me what’s wrong.”

He clenched his jaw. “I feel like nothing’s going right. Ever. It never has, never will. I live in a shitty flat, I have a dead-end job, and a boyfriend who lives with another man. My life _sucks_ , okay? There’s your reason.” He reached for the half-full glass of liquor and took a swig, wincing as the sharp alcohol went down his throat.

“Your life doesn’t suck.”

He looked at me for a long moment, disdainful, and shook his head. “Yes it does. Even you’re not enough to make it better.” He muttered the last part into his glass, obviously thinking I wouldn’t hear.

That hurt me.

“You have a good life, Charlie, alright? You have a place to live, you could get a better job if you wanted, and me? I live with Dan because he pays me rent. Okay? Nothing else. So stop expecting me to save you from your depressed thoughts, because I don’t know how! And stop making me feel guilty and like a shitty boyfriend for not knowing!” I regretted my outburst as soon as I finished, the words echoing around the small room.

Charlie gazed at me, shocked, the angry words starting to register in his brain.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he asked, his tone flat and choked.

“I didn’t mean—”

“I called you because I thought you could help, not dig me deeper.” He took another drink. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Charlie stood, swaying slightly. “Get out.”

The guilt was eating me alive. “Charlie—”

“Get the fuck out!” he screamed, suddenly angry, his eyes lighting with rage. “I put up with you and that twink living together, not knowing if you’re _cheating_ or whatever the hell’s going on, I put up with you canceling dates and being moody all the damn time, I _liked_ you. And you can’t even do me the fucking decency of being there for me when I’m having a bad time? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I swallowed, guilty and furious and humiliated. 

“Fuck. You.” I said, walking out. “See a goddamn therapist, Charlie.”

“He’d be a better confidant than you.”

And he slammed the door in my face.

I sank to the floor, exhausted and feeling… empty. No satisfaction, resentment, relief… nothing. 

I was a bottomless pit full of nothing.

I sat in a cab with my head against the window, staring at all the people, all the other cars whizzing by.

“How’s he doing?” asked Dan the moment I walked through the door. He was in the exact same position he was in when I left, comfortable on the couch, scrolling through Tumblr.

I said nothing, just throwing myself down on the couch next to him and willing the tears to stay in my eyes.

“Hey.” Dan put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to look into his large, melted chocolate eyes.

“We broke up. It wasn’t pretty.” I finally said, the words rushing out of my mouth. 

He nodded and pulled me into a hug, his head resting on my shoulder while I fought back tears. His body was warm, and I burrowed my head into his neck, breathing in the scent of cheap deodorant and clean clothes.

“Thank you.” I spoke into his shirt, trying to normalize my voice.

I could feel his smile, even though I couldn’t see his face. “No problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long and emotional one. On the bright side, I'll probably be uploading more often, since homework has lessened


	14. Bedridden Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the breakup with Charlie, Phil's feeling down. It's up to Dan to cheer him up.

I was hoping that the upcoming Muse concert would help take my mind off the breakup. I’d been sort of wallowing for a few weeks, longer than was normal. Dan seemed alarmed to see me so depressed, since I was always positive, upbeat Phil that pulled _him_ out of his torpor. 

I had always been this way, ever since I could remember. Brushing off the little problems was pretty easy, but when something hit me, it hit me _hard_. When I was sixteen and my brother got into a car accident, I stayed in bed for an entire week, fixated on the fact that he _could have_ died, even though he was perfectly fine and uninjured. My light-heartedness had a price, apparently. These moments happened rarely, but when they did, it took a long time to recover.

So this breakup was one of those times for me.

“Phil, you want to get pancakes?” Dan asked hesitantly, hovering in the doorway to my room.

I looked up from the paragraph in my book that I’d been trying to focus on for the past half hour.

“I don’t feel like going outside, particularly,” I said, trying to look somewhat normal.

“Okay… do you… want me to get some for you, then?”

I wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but I knew Dan would worry.

“Sure. The usual.” A weak attempt at a smile from me, and a concerned one from Dan.

“Alright. Phone me if you need me.”

“Okay.”

He left and I returned to my book. The words blurred under my eyes, and nothing made sense, just like my stupid life. (The self-pity was strong today.)

I shut the book, my rage and sadness and loneliness spiraling out of control. Tears were forming in my eyes, and I threw the stupid book across the stupid room. Everything was stupid. God, I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up majorly. Why did I have to flip out like that? If I'd just stayed calm and collected, maybe Charlie and I would still be together. But no, I’d had to yell at him and screw him up even more… God.

I shook my head, trying to get the painful memories to dissipate. 

“Phil?” 

Dan was back, pancakes in hand.

I stopped shaking my head, extremely aware of how moronic I looked at the moment. 

“Thanks for getting the pancakes,” I croaked, shifting myself up to sit on the bed.

He walked over and sat next to me on the bed, putting down the container of food.

“Phil, it’s been two weeks. You’re starting to scare me,” he said, pity filling his eyes.

I hated that look.

“I’m fine. This is totally pathetic, I know,” I tried to laugh at my self-deprecation, “But I’m okay, really.”

Dan sighed and put a hand on my shoulder. It was strong, clamping down on me, making sure I didn’t go anywhere.

“You aren’t. Listen, I know how it feels. I had this girlfriend for three years, back in high school, and she broke up with me…” He shook his head, pain flashing across his face. “It was bad. Fucked me up a little, too. But that’s not the point. You have to move past this. Don’t let the bad feelings control your life. That’s not a healthy way of dealing with your—God, I sound cheesy as hell, don’t I, and who am I to talk?—But really, it’s not good.” Dan finished his inspirational rambling with a meaningful glance at me.

I tried to swallow the sudden ache blocking my throat, willing the emotions to stay in control. 

“Thanks for the motivational speech, Dan.” I attempted a chuckle, honestly feeling a touch better already. “But really, I appreciate it. How are you so wise sometimes?”

His smile slowly took over his face. “Hey! Sometimes?” A half-relieved, half-anxious laugh bubbled out of his throat. 

“Okay, most of the time.”

He swatted me, then looked immediately guilty. But I didn’t care. I liked it so much better when he didn’t treat me like glass, fearing I’d break at the slightest pressure.

My stomach growled.

“Eat some pancakes.”

“I’m not—” I started to object, but stopped at the look on Dan’s face. “All right, pass them over.”

His smile returned, and he opened the container, the sweet smell of pancakes wafting out. Okay, I guess I was a little hungry.

We ate pancakes on my bed for a while, silently cutting and chewing and reaching for more. I took this time to check over Dan, to note the bags under his eyes, the tired set to his mouth.

“Dan, are you all right?”

He looked over at me, startled. “You’re the one who’s in bed. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look tired.”

“ _Thanks_ , Phil. Appreciate it. But yeah, I am a bit tired. These past few days have been spent looking for jobs. I have to pay rent somehow.”

“And how’s it going?” I asked, glad to talk about something other than myself. 

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay. Haven’t found anything that I really want to do, but I’ve got options, and I’ll keep looking.”

I nodded, licking the last bit of syrup from my knife. Dan’s eyes followed my progress for a moment, then looked away when I met his gaze.

“Anyway.” He stood up, acting flustered for no apparent reason. “I’m off. Try to feel better, okay? You deserve more than… this.”

“I will. Bye, Dan. And… thanks.”

He smiled, collecting the trash and sweeping away all the crumbs. “No problem.”

Dan left, closing the door gently, and I lay there for a few minutes, thinking about how lucky I was that he’d been the one to answer my ad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh sorry for the short chapter. finals are close and i barely have any time. i promise, longer uploads when finals are over


	15. Muse!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil see Muse, their favorite band.

Muse. The best band in the universe. Both mine’s and Dan favorite band OF ALL TIME. And we had tickets to a show. 

It felt like a dream.

“Phil, have you seen my nice cologne?”

I scoffed. “Your fancy, expensive nonsense?”

Dan’s head appeared, the rest of his body concealed by the door.

“Okay, one, it’s a quality product,” he said, half-offended, half-panicked, “And I need it, Phil. I need it. Muse is _tonight_ , and I have to smell like the perfect combination of blood orange, cinnamon, spice, mint, and grapefruit with a hint of spice! Only that cologne will do it. I have to smell amazing for Muse.”

He was in full rambling mode, which was usually quite amusing, but we had to leave in a half-hour. There was no time to watch him tear the house upside-down, unfortunately, because he was adorable when he did that.

“It’s on the counter. Left side.” 

Dan tore into the bathroom, breathing hard. It took him a moment to locate the cologne and delicately spray a perfect amount on his wrists and neck. 

I ran my hand through my hair, making sure not to mess up my finally-controlled fringe. Dan’s eyes flickered over to me, and I saw him lick his lips slightly.

He was _attractive_.

How had I never noticed how attractive he was? God, if he weren’t straight, and my best friend… But I shook those sudden, invasive thoughts off. _Dan’s face is not your focus right now,_ I reminded myself sternly, tearing my eyes away from his mouth. _Concert. Muse. Priorities, Philip_. 

Dan took a deep breath. “I’m going to check that we have everything. How’s my hair? Be honest.”

I tried to smile, but my heart was pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it. My favorite band would be in the same place as I in 3 hours. I wasn’t okay. “It’s great.”

He appeared to be dissatisfied with my answer, but ran off anyway.

“Phil?”

I sighed, checking my teeth in the mirror. “What?”

“Where are the tickets?” His voice was rising higher and higher with every word.

I closed my eyes. “You don’t know where the tickets are?”

“Found them, never mind!”

I shook my head, relieved, and walked out of the bathroom to the kitchen. Dan was clutching the tickets tightly, tapping his foot nervously.

“Okay, we have to go,” he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to the door. “Can’t be late.”

“Absolutely.”

We didn’t risk taking the tube, but hailed a cab instead. 

The ride there was raucous, as Dan and I fended off nerves with loud conversation. And selfies. Lots of selfies.

Before we knew it, the cab had stopped at the concert venue. I saw loads of cool-looking people walking towards the entrance, and my stomach dropped. Dan saw me swallow, and took my hand. I tensed, surprised, and he quickly dropped it, wiping his hand on his jeans.

“Sorry,” he said awkwardly.

“It’s, uh, all good.”

We got out of the cab, paid the driver, and started towards the door.

I looked over at Dan. “You have the tickets, right?”

He checked his pockets, and swore. “I forgot them on the kitchen counter.”

Panic rose in my stomach, and I turned to hail the cab again, but he was already gone.

“Are you fucking serious, Dan?” I grabbed his shoulder. “I thought you had them!”

And then I saw a glimmer of mischief in his eyes as he waved the tickets in front of my face.

“You can’t joke about stuff like that!” I shouted, relieved but angry.

“It was funny, so I’m completely justified.”

I shoved him. “I hate you.”

He smiled. “I know.”

 

…

 

We had such good seats. I’d spent a fortune on them, but it was completely worth it. When we found our seats, Dan could barely contain himself, spinning around to beam so widely at me that it looked like his face was splitting open.

“ _Phil_ ,” he whispered, which I could barely hear over the clamor of the crowd, “This is amazing.”

I grinned back. “I know.”

We’d each taken a shot in the cab, to calm our nerves, so there was a pleasantly warm feeling in my stomach and a slight buzz running through my body. 

We sat back, waiting for Muse to come on. Unfortunately, we had to sit through the opening band first. They weren’t bad, but I could sense Dan getting twitchy beside me. I put a hand on his thigh for a moment, just to calm him down. His leg was warm under my hand, and I could feel him tense. For a moment, I had a wild urge to press down, to squeeze, to feel the give and muscle of his thigh. I quickly took my hand away, taking a deep breath and focusing on the band.

And then Muse came on.

I don’t much remember the whole show, just snapshots. 

The coloured strobe lights, so bright my eyes hurt when they hit me. 

Muse being AWESOME! Of course.

Screaming my throat raw, abandoning any dignity I'd previously held.

And Dan, turning every so often to flash me a dazzling grin, face lit by the ambiance.

It was the best night of my life. 

 

…

 

Dan and I stumbled into the cab, buzzed and hyped and giggly.

“Oh… my GOD! That. Was. Amazing,” Dan said matter-of-factly, his eyes glassy and wide.

I smiled lazily, leaning back and stretching out in the seat. “I know! It was great. So glad I bought those. Happy birthday, Dan.”

Dan caught my eyes and held my gaze. “Thank you,” he said, serious now. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

I felt a flush creeping up my neck. “You too. I mean, you’re my best friend. As well.” To cover up my awkwardness, I lurched over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“You’re awesome,” I mumbled into his neck.

I could feel him laughing, a shaking of his shoulders and his body heating even more.

“So are you.”

I pulled away, suddenly self-conscious.

We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride home, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. 

I went to sleep with an unusually good feeling in my chest.


	16. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil argue about Sherlock's sexuality.

“Can you believe it’s been a year since you moved in?”

Dan and I were celebrating the anniversary of the beginning of our friendship with wine, Maltesers, and anime.

“I know, right? It feels so much longer than-- _damn_ it, Light! What the fuck are you—Jesus!” Dan threw himself back against the couch cushions, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration. 

I sighed, shaking my head. “I hate this show.”

“Right? It was so good earlier on, but fucking Misa ruined it.”

“I know. Anyway, you were saying?”

“Yeah. It feels like a million years instead of one.” Dan’s smile became shyer, more hesitant. “I’m glad we’re friends, Phil.”

“Me too, Bear.” When I used his nickname, something flashed across his face, something I'd only seen a few times before. “What? Don’t like me calling you that?”

Dan swallowed and shifted the blanket closer to his stomach. “No, it’s—It’s fine.”

His movement lifted the blanket off my feet, and my toes wriggled in the sudden blast of cold air. I snuggled closer to him, attempting to fit my feet under the blanket again. It didn’t really register how invasive I was being until Dan coughed and rubbed his neck, clearly uncomfortable.

“Oh… oh, God. I’m sorry.” I immediately moved away, not caring that the blanket fell off me. “You should have said something.”

Dan’s ears were tinged bright red at the tips. “No—no, Phil, it’s completely fine. I just—I need to piss.”

He pushed the blanket off, stumbled to his feet, and hurried to the bathroom. I threw my head back against the couch, closing my eyes and cursing myself. I knew Dan had a problem with physical affection, and he knew that I was the opposite. I loved hugs, loved to touch people, romantically and platonically. And I had been cuddling with Dan… platonically. As best friends, which we were. Did Dan think… no, he couldn’t. I’d never shown the slightest interest in him. At least, that’s what I _thought_. Oh, God, I’d ruined everything. Or maybe I was overanalyzing the whole situation and he really did just have to take a piss.

Just as I was concluding my brief panic, Dan came out of the bathroom, wiping his hands on his gray sweatpants that hung loosely off his hips. I could see a strip of pale stomach when he lifted his arms to check his hair, and I felt goosebumps ripple on my skin. What the fuck was _happening_?

Dan looked significantly more relaxed when he sat down, looking at me like the previous minutes had never even happened.

“C’mere.”

“What?” 

Dan bit his lip, suddenly a lot shyer. “I mean—only if you want to.”

I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, and awkwardly clambered over to Dan. 

“Sure this is okay?” I asked him, still wary of making him uncomfortable again.

He looked up at me, surprised. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

God, he was _clueless_ , but I shook my head and put my arm around him, coaxing his head down to lay on my shoulder. 

It occurred to me that this way of sitting could be construed as not entirely platonic.

Not platonic at all. I swallowed, suddenly aware of Dan’s hair tickling my neck, of his warmth against me. And there it was, the more, er, _physical_ reaction.

Shit. Things were definitely about to become more awkward between us. But in that moment, I didn’t particularly care. Dan awkwardly extracted his arm but didn’t put it around me, something I was weirdly disappointed by.

Oh, God. I didn’t _like_ him, did I? I was just having a normal reaction. I mean, he was really attractive, and I hadn’t touched another boy since I broke up with Charlie, and that had been over four months ago. My “physical reaction” didn’t mean I was attracted to him. I was just suffering from an extreme case of loneliness… right?

I decided to shove those strange, definitely-not-okay thoughts down and just enjoy tonight, the anniversary of Dan and Phil.

“What do you want to watch next?”

I looked at him, and he was so close I could see the flecks of amber in his eyes. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

“Hmmm, Sherlock?”

He grinned. “Sherlock.”

Dan pointed the remote at the telly, and I thanked the Netflix gods that he didn’t have to get up to change the show.

“God, just _kiss_ already,” I unconsciously groaned as Sherlock and John were yet again standing really close to one another and radiating sexual tension I could cut with a knife.

Dan paused the show. 

“What the fuck?”

I shifted my position to face him. “You don’t see it?”

Dan’s face was almost comical. “What, you think they’re in _love_?” he said sarcastically. “They’re just friends, Phil. Not everything has to be gay.”

I was astounded. “They’re literally mentally undressing each other with their eyes, right this second!”

He rolled his eyes. “ _Please_ , Phil. John’s had strings of girlfriends! Also, Irene,” he added. “There was Irene.”

“You do know that one doesn’t have to be one hundred percent straight or gay, right? They can change their minds, Dan. And Irene wasn’t even his—ugh, never mind, I’m not getting into this right now. Think whatever you want, but they’re definitely gay for each other. I’m gay, I should know!”

Dan shook his head and unpaused the show, not even bothering to respond to my outburst.

We watched in stony silence for about 20 minutes, until Dan suddenly giggled. He paused it again.

“I can’t believe we just argued about whether two fictional characters are gay for each other.”

I started to laugh, as well. “We’re completely ridiculous.”

Dan snorted. “Agreed.”

And I moved closer, not even caring about the potential fallout. For now, I was content with Dan’s skin heating mine, with the way he nestled his head into my shoulder. 

I smiled and unpaused the show.


	17. Christmas Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil takes Dan to his house for Christmas Eve.

“You’ve never met my parents, have you?”

“Is that a question?”

We were standing outside my family home, about to join my parents and brothers for Christmas Eve dinner, our first together. It gave me a pleasant thrill down my spine when I thought about how close we’d become in the last year and a half.

“Oh, God, are they crazy?” joked Dan. “Wait, don’t answer that. I’m already nervous as it is.”

I looked at him sideways. “You’re nervous? Why? They’re going to absolutely adore you.”

Dan’s cheeks reddened. “I don’t know… I just—new people, and such. Gets me on edge.”

I could understand that. I’d met Dan’s parents a few months into our first year as flatmates, and I’d been a wreck, hoping they wouldn’t think I was a bad influence on their son (they’d thought the opposite, as Dan explained to me later).

“Okay.” I took a deep breath and knocked, hoping my family wouldn’t embarrass me too much.

“Philip!” My mum opened the door immediately and enveloped me in a warm hug. I had to smile. I loved my mum.

I pulled away after a minute and introduced Dan. My mum hugged him too, and I snorted at Dan’s slightly panicked expression. He relaxed after a moment, and patted my mum on the back until she let him go.

“Oh, boys!” She sighed happily. “I’m so glad I get to finally meet you, Dan! Phil’s been going on and on about you for the _longest_ time—”

“Mum!” I protested, feeling my face turn red. Dan laughed and threw his arm around me. I quickly pushed his arm away when I saw my mum look between us suspiciously.

“Well, come in! We’ve been waiting long enough.”

We headed inside, savoring the warmth that hit us as soon as we stepped through the threshold. 

“This must be Dan!” My dad shook Dan’s hand formally, though I saw a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“Hi, Mr. Lester.”

Dad laughed and ushered us into the dining room, where a huge meal was waiting. I breathed in the delicious scents wafting from the various dishes.

“Sit down, bro.”

“Martyn!” 

We hugged quickly. I’d become a lot closer with my brother over the years, as moving out strangely helped us mend our childish discord and old tensions. Martyn and I didn’t see each other a ton, but it was always fun when we caught up.

“This is Dan, my best friend and flatmate.”

Martyn smirked. “Mm, I see. Nice to finally meet you, Dan.”

I coughed, giving my brother a _look_ , and pulled at Dan’s hand to get him to sit down next to me.

My parents came in, all smiles, and we began to pile food on our plates.

“God, this is amazing,” remarked Dan a few minutes in, swallowing a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

My dad beamed. “Thank you.”

“I’m no great shakes at cooking, but luckily my husband is,” said Mum, giving him a fond look.

“That’s true,” Martyn added. “She’s terrible at everything but cereal.”

Dan laughed. “Sounds like me before I moved in and Phil taught me how to cook. I can make a mean chicken curry now.”

My mum raised her eyebrows at me, and I pretended to ignore her.

“It’s been fun, having a best friend live with you,” continued Dan, cutting his turkey. “Like a never-ending sleepover.”

Martyn snickered. “I bet.”

Dan looked vaguely uncomfortable, and went back to his food.

“Mart!” I hissed. “Shut it!” To punctuate my point, I kicked him under the table. It was satisfying to see his eyes widen almost comically with surprise.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything to embarrass me further, but simply glared at me.

“So, Phil,” said my mum, “How’s Charlie been? You know, since…” She trailed off, regretting bringing it up.

I decided to spare her. “I haven’t talked to him. Hope he’s all right, though. Obviously.”

Dan stabbed a potato with unnecessary viciousness. 

“Any new… people in your life?” asked Martyn, flicking his eyes between me and Dan.

“No,” I said pointedly. “Not yet.”

Mart sighed heavily, glancing up to the ceiling as if imploring the gods to save him.

He was being pretty obvious, and I hoped Dan was clueless enough to just take it in stride. 

Martyn had always been involved in my love life. He’d always thought it hilarious to try and set me up with anyone and everyone. And now, for some reason, he thought Dan and I were… secretly together, or something. God, he was so, so stupid. And I chastised myself guiltily for wishing he were right.

What?

Wishing he was right? Where the hell had that come from? Oh, God, not this again. Ever since that night on the couch, I’d been feeling some weird stuff towards Dan. Like, mega-weird. I’d found myself drawing nearer to him, like he was a magnet and I was some poor paper clip who couldn’t help but gravitate towards him. I’d been thinking about him all the time, too much, in fact, to constitute a simply aesthetic attraction. I was lonely. That was it, right? Lonely and wishing I had _some_ sort of relationship, no matter how fucked-up.

Okay.

I decided to shelve those thoughts for another time. Package them neatly, label them with a big _Warning_ sign, and open them up later, when I was alone and had time to think.

I couldn’t deal with this now, not when my family was staring at me because I hadn’t said a word in three minutes.

“What?”

“I said,” explained my mum patiently, “It’s time for dessert.”

 

…

 

“Your family is so _nice_!” Dan staggered into the cab, arms laden with containers full of leftovers and other presents my mum had pressed on us on our way out the door.

“Are they?” I said absentmindedly, still brooding.

Dan looked dumbfounded. “Er, yeah? _So_ much nicer than mine,” he added.

I instantly felt guilty. While Dan’s family had seemed nice enough, there was a certain chilliness and politeness I’d felt in the air. My family was more open, louder and happier.

“I liked your parents,” I said defensively. “My parents and Martyn always embarrass me.”

Dan shrugged. “I suppose. I thought it was cute, you getting all flustered.” Then he swallowed and sat back against the seat, the tips of his ears getting red and eyes closing, like he couldn’t believe he’d said that.

My heart started to pound, and I felt a lot braver, but somehow shy, as well. “Oh, well… I thought Martyn was being ridiculous. Insinuating… I don’t know…”

He snorted. “Yeah. Your brother’s a bit weird. Giving us those strange looks all night… I thought I had sauce on my chin.”

“You did.”

“Okay, that’s beside the point. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it.”

“Never.”

We giggled until we reached the flat.

See, this is what I couldn’t ruin, I reflected as I trudged up the steps, toting loads of packages in my arms. I couldn’t destroy this incredible friendship on a few random butterflies. Dan was attractive, he was available, and I saw him every day. My lonely self was latching onto him to avoid making any real contact with the world. That was all these weird feelings were about.

Weren’t they?


	18. Week at Louise's, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise invites Dan and Phil to spend a week at her rented house.

It had been months and those _strange_ thoughts about Dan hadn’t gone away and were currently ruining everything. I couldn’t see him in the morning without getting the stupid impulse to run my hands through his messy sleep-quiff, I couldn’t look at him bent over the stove, trying and failing to make eggs without suppressing the urge to come up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and kiss the back of his neck. I’d repressed these notions as much as I could, but they just kept bubbling up to the surface every time I saw Dan’s _stupidly_ hot lip bite, or a glimpse of his stomach when he lifted his arms. Once, he even came into the kitchen _shirtless_ , and I had to excuse myself for a moment.

I hoped it was just a case of _serious_ blue balls. But, knowing my luck, it was possibly much worse and probably something destructive and life-altering.

“Phil! Phil, where are you!”

I groaned, closed my laptop, and made my way to Dan’s room.

“Here. What?”

He was on his bed, and even though he was only dressed in rumpled sweats and no socks, my breath got a little shorter.

“PJ, Chris, and Louise want us to go swimming with them this afternoon,” he informed me, not even looking up from his phone. “Which will entail us actually leaving the house.”

I sighed. “Shame. But Louise will murder us in our beds if we don’t show up to another social event. What d’you say?”

Dan shrugged, finally meeting my eyes. “I’m game if you are.”

I nodded. “Okay, sounds fun. Although I don’t know if you’ll survive seeing me in a bathing suit.”

Dan laughed. “Why, because you’re so built?” He didn’t say it in a mocking way, but a smile played on his face.

My face warmed because we were _actually talking about this_. “Yeah, right. Nah, because I’m extremely pale and might blind you if you stare at me too long in direct sunlight.”

He smirked. “What, worried I’ll stare?”

Jesus _Christ_. 

I laughed uncomfortably. “It’s a general hazard.”

“Ah.” He was still staring at me in a weirdly amused way. “Okay, we’d better get ready before Louise shows up with a knife.”

“Agreed.”

I left the room with butterflies flying madly around in my stomach and a horribly embarrassing flush to my cheeks. Damn my pale skin!

 

…

 

It took me fifteen minutes to choose which pair of swimming trunks to wear. I only had two pairs. It was pretty sad. 

I eventually settled on a pair of bright blue ones, half-seriously wondering whether they’d bring out my eyes, which were the physical feature I liked most on myself.

“I’m ready!” I called, waiting by the door, wearing thick flip-flops and a thick layer of high-strength sun cream.

“Coming,” Dan huffed, lugging a huge suitcase.

I frowned. “What do you need all that for?”

“Shit, I forgot to tell you that Louise invited us to stay the week. It _is_ your holiday time, after all. And my job doesn’t start till next month.” Dan looked at me guiltily. “Sorry.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll just go throw some stuff into a duffle.”

It took me twenty minutes to pack, and it would have taken less without Dan being “helpful,” and shouting instructions to me from the door.

“Jesus,” I panted, heaving my duffle into the cab. “Why did we agree to this, again?”

Dan scrunched up his nose, in a way I couldn’t help but find adorable.

“Because Louise is hell-bent on getting us to socialize,” he replied. “And I haven’t gone swimming in ages, and something tells me it’s actually going to be fun.”

He made some good points. I shrugged and got in the cab, hoping the weekend wouldn’t be too awkward.

 

…

 

“Dan! Phil!” 

Louise gave us huge bear hugs when we reached the tiny house she was renting. Apparently she’d gotten an enormous bonus at work, and wanted to share her new place with us for the week. Louise was so generous sometimes, it made me guilty.

“Hi, guys.” We gave bro-hugs to Chris and PJ, making Louise roll her eyes.

“ _Boys_. Come inside, I’ll show you where you’re sleeping.”

We followed her inside, thanking her every step of the way for her generosity, to which she squeaked and blushed furiously.

“So, Dan and Phil, you’ll have to share a room. Sorry, but we just don’t have room,” she explained, blowing a stray curl out of her face. “Chris and PJ are sharing too.”

I cringed, knowing how Chris must feel about that. Dan elbowed me, and we shared an alarmed look. Louise, of course, was completely oblivious.

“How come you get a room all to yourself, huh?” Dan was obviously trying to change the subject, as Chris was looking at his feet and PJ was shifting uncomfortably. 

Louise giggled. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, didn’t I?” She knocked on a door adjacent to ours. “Hey, Elle?”

The door opened, and a girl stepped out, rubbing her eyes. She squinted, then visibly perked up a bit at the sight of us.

“This is my friend, Gabrielle,” explained Louise, looking like a proud mama. “ _She’s_ rooming with me.”

“Hi,” said Gabrielle, waving at us with a small smile on her face. The smile was mostly directed at Dan. I supposed Louise had told her all about us, including our sexualities.

“Hey,” Dan and I said simultaneously.

She giggled and flipped a lock of shiny black hair over her shoulder.

Gabrielle was extremely pretty, a fact neither Dan nor PJ failed to notice. And she knew it, too. Normally I’d be happy to meet a confident, empowered woman, but God, the way she looked at Dan, like she was a shark and he was dinner… it made my throat constrict and my stomach churn like I was going to throw up.

Dan didn’t appear to notice, instead grinning at her cheerfully. Maybe a bit more than cheerfully. And I couldn’t be imagining the way his eyes flicked to her chest, could I?

Crapcrapcrapcrap. Was this… jealousy? No, it couldn’t be. I was just looking out for my best friend, right? Totally innocent. I wasn’t _that_ far gone.

Why did I let Dan talk me into this, again?

I pretended not to notice Dan and PJ’s completely _shameless_ and unsubtle checking-out of Gabrielle. Chris shot me a glance that conveyed exactly how miserable he was feeling, shook his head, and mouthed _fuck this_. I agreed.

Fuck this hot, dangerous rush of _feeling_ flowing through my veins, reddening my face and making my heart pound harder, fuck this _awareness_ of Dan’s eyes following Gabrielle’s every move, fuck the stupid hope that Dan and I could ever be anything but best friends, fuck this, fuck this, fuck _this_. 

I swallowed, my lungs tightening. I hadn’t had such a passionate reaction to anything in a long time. God, did I have a _crush_ on Dan? Was this actually happening right now? I just wanted to go home and stop Dan from ever looking at Gabrielle like that again.

“So, guys,” Louise was saying, “You want to swim now? It’s getting really hot in here.”

Was it? I hadn’t noticed.

“I’m down.” Dan glanced at me. “Phil?”

“Yeah. Alright,” I muttered. “Swimming time.” The emotions filling my chest made it a lot harder to think.

“O-kay.” Dan looked a bit concerned, as I’d been jovial and excited the whole ride over.

“I’ll just go change, then,” said Gabrielle. “And please, call me Gabby or Elle.” She smiled cheerily and closed the door.

Ugh. She was really quite nice, and that made me even guiltier. 

The remaining five of us already had our swimsuits on under our clothes. Louise showed us to the small pool in the backyard.

“This is…really nice,” I said, looking around in appreciation. “Cool.”

“Yeah, I wanted to find a house with a pool. I like it a lot.”

“So do I,” remarked Dan.

There was a splash, and we all turned to see PJ treading in the pool, sputtering and pushing wet hair out of his eyes.

“Well?” he asked, grinning. “C’mon! The water’s really nice.”

I needed no further encouragement, and stripped off my shirt. Dan did the same, and I tried not to look but failed.

He wasn’t built, really, but the slight muscle and layer of softness over his willowy frame was quite appealing. 

“Whoa!” Dan pretended to shield his eyes. “You’re so pale!”

I laughed. “I warned you.”

Louise brandished a tube of sun cream at us, looking gorgeous in her bright pink bikini (what? I can be gay and still appreciate female beauty). 

“Boys? All creamed up? Oh, no,” she stammered, as Dan and I broke into laughter, “I didn’t mean it like—oh, just take it!” She threw the tube at me. “Phil, with your pale skin, you need it most of all.”

I agreed, but I’d already applied it earlier, so I set it on the ground. 

“Dan?”

He grinned. “Pool time.”

We jumped in the pool, making a huge splash. I came up gasping, grinning, looking blindly around for Dan.

He wasn’t looking for me, though; Gabrielle had come out and was sitting on the steps, dangling her feet in the water. She looked… ugh, she looked sensational in a lacy blue bikini, and Dan was staring right at the breasts practically spilling out of her top. I clenched my jaw and dove back under, embracing the rush of water that filled my ears, drowning out the sound from above. When I ran out of breath and reluctantly surfaced, Gabrielle had entered the water and was talking to Dan and Louise.

“So, you’re a lawyer?” Dan was saying, looking impressed.

Gabrielle smiled at him. “Studying to be one,” she said modestly.

Louise put an arm around her friend. “She’s brilliant. Top marks in every class.”

The brunette blushed. “Oh, Louise, stop!” 

“Lonely too, poor thing. Broke it off with her boyfriend… what, three months ago?”

Gabrielle’s expression went from humbly flattered to closed-off and embarrassed.

“Louise,” she said flatly, “I told you I didn’t want to talk about that.”

Louise bit her lip, regretting her over-share. “Sorry, Elle. Got excited.”

Gabrielle nodded, a bit of color returning to her face. 

I quickly changed the subject. “Hey, we should do chicken fights!”

“Chicken fights?” Chris cocked his head to the side.

“Yeah, one person gets on another’s shoulders and they fight another pair,” I explained. “Total primary school stuff, but it’s actually quite fun.”

“Intriguing,” said PJ. “Let’s do it.”

We started pairing off. I assumed Dan would go for Gabrielle as his partner, but to my surprise, he turned to me. 

“Want to be partners?” he asked, hair already slightly drying in the sun, curling at the edges. 

I shrugged. “Sure,” I responded, trying not to think of the physical contact we’d be compelled to have.

To my astonishment, Gabrielle and Louise paired off, as did PJ and Chris.

“All same-sex pairs?” PJ called out, grinning. “Kind of defeats the purpose of the thing, doesn’t it?”

I laughed, tipping my head back exaggeratedly. “Um, Peej? Look who you’re talking to here.”

“Sorry,” he chuckled.

Chris didn’t say a word, but took a deep breath and prepared himself.

Across the pool, Gabrielle struggled to get on Louise’s shoulders, giggling madly.

“I suppose we’d… y’know,” Dan said quietly to me.

I nodded, taking a deep breath, and put my hands on Dan’s tanned shoulders, hoisting myself up.

“Oh—ow—shit—okay.”

“Good?”

I felt him nod. “Yeah.”

Oh, God, the image of his head between my legs… I choked, then pinched my arm, hard. 

_Get a grip, Philip_ , I chided myself, _Think of your naked grandma. Think of Margaret Thatcher in your bed with a rose in between her teeth._

That did the trick. I was able to somewhat concentrate again, although every movement of Dan’s head sent a jolt through my lower stomach.

“Ready?” called Chris, grunting as he bore PJ’s weight.

“Ready.” 

“Ready.”

“Go!” I screamed, then all hell broke loose as we grabbed each other’s hands, pushing and pulling.

And it was wonderful, sitting on Dan’s shoulders while the sun beat down on my shoulders and the water sent up a refreshing mist and I felt Dan laughing below me…

It felt like nothing was wrong, like everything was sure and would turn out perfectly all right.

I wasn’t even sure what I was worried about, in that wonderful moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was surprisingly easy to write this chapter. Also, be prepared for more drama. hahahaha i love drama.


	19. Week at Louise's, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The week at Louise's is continued.

The fire lit the backyard, illuminating everyone’s faces and making them look mysterious in the dark. Dan sat between me and Gabrielle, something purposeful that I didn’t fail to notice.

“Well, first day down,” remarked Louise, snuggling her head into Chris’s shoulder and beaming at all of us. “How’s it feeling, guys?”

“Amazing.” Gabrielle sighed. “I feel so much better, spending time away from the city.”

“Don't we all,” remarked PJ, nursing his second beer. Chris had abstained this time, a wise decision, I thought.

“So, what should we do?” asked Louise. “It’s kinda boring, just sitting around a campfire and rehashing old conversations.”

Chris groaned. “Lou, if you’re trying to get us to play a stupid game…”

She shrugged, a twinkle in her eye. “I’m just making conversation.”

PJ sat forward, a grin spreading over his face. “You know what, Chris. Let’s play a stupid game. I know just the one, too.” He rubbed his hands together evilly. “Never Have I Ever.”

Dan suddenly went rigid in the seat next to me. “Oh my God,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling my ear, “I haven’t played this damn game since… I don’t even know when.”

“Me neither,” I whispered back.

“So, the rules are: Players hold up five fingers. Anyone who has done the thing mentioned in the “Never have I ever . . .” statement puts one finger down. As players put down all their fingers, they are eliminated from the game. The winner of the game is the last remaining player with a finger raised.” Pj paused, looking around at us. “And _no lying_.Clear?”

We all nodded.

“Okay. I’ll start. Never have I ever… er, ridden a bike.”

Louise and Dan groaned in unison. “PJ! Lame.”

“Sorry, sorry, okay. Never have I ever gone, um, skinny-dipping.”

Oh, God. 

I slowly put one finger down, my face heating and probably turning a bright shade of red.

“ _Phil’s_ gone skinny-dipping?” Louise smothered an incredulous laugh.

“Hey! It was a long time ago, okay? And besides, I’m not the only one with their finger down.”

It was true. Everyone had one finger down except PJ. He shrugged.

“What? I’m a classy lady.”

I rolled my eyes, and he pointed at me. “YOU! You go next.”

“Er, alright. Okay. Um, never have I ever… lied about my age.” I looked pointedly at Dan.

“Oh my God! Phil, you said you’d never tell anyone about that!”

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes at Dan. “Wait, you lied about your age? How old are you?”

“I’m 20.” 

“ _Really_?” 

“Yes! It was one time, when I was like 17. I lied about my age to a girl I dated. She was four years older, whatever.”

“Wow, Dan,” Louise giggled. “That’s not that bad.”

All eyes swung to her. She’d put a finger down, as well. Louise shrugged. 

“Just to get into an American club.”

“Ah.” Chris nodded, then sat up. “My turn. Never have I ever…” He glanced at Pj, and swallowed. “Kissed a boy.”

It’s like everyone _wanted_ me to lose. I put one finger down, glancing around at the others.

Louise and Gabrielle, unsurprisingly, put their fingers down. PJ looked at Chris like he wanted to kill him. 

“It was one time.” He took a breath. “It’s not like I’m gay or anything. It was… I don’t know. I don’t know.”

In the midst of the drama, I stole a glance at Dan’s hand. He hadn’t put a finger down. I blew out a long breath, turning away.

I don’t know what I’d been expecting, to be honest. He’d dated girls, of course, but he’d been sending out some pretty strong signals my way… or so I thought. Maybe I was misinterpreting our closeness as something more, something different from what it actually was. God, I was analyzing this so much my head swirled. _Get a grip, Phil_ , I chided myself, _he doesn’t feel that way. It’s all in your head_.

“Okay.” Chris slumped back in his seat. “It doesn’t matter, PJ.”

Gabrielle looked from Chris to PJ, the wheels spinning in her head. She nodded knowingly, taking another swig of beer. “My turn. Never have I ever gotten so drunk I passed out.”

Chris and Dan put their fingers down and I smiled, remembering the time Dan fell asleep on the couch after his disaster of a date with Cat. Things were simpler back then, and I felt a brief pang, knowing that we’d changed too much for those times to ever come back.

“Dan!” laughed Gabrielle, placing a hand on his knee. My eye twitched.

“I was young and stupid, give me a break,” he responded, nudging her playfully.

“Never,” she said, her voice suddenly low and seductive. Dan grinned and I scowled.

Louise raised her eyebrows. “If you two are done _flirting_ , it’s my turn,” she sniffed.

“Okay, Louise, go,” I said, just wanting to get this game over with so I could go inside and lie down.

“Never have I ever shagged someone in an airline loo!” she blurted excitedly.

I raised my eyes to the heavens and put down a finger, loathing Louise.

“ _Phil_ \--” 

“Not even gonna ask,” muttered Chris, rolling his eyes into his beer. “I don’t want to know.”

Dan sat on the edge of his seat. “I do,” he said. “Spill, Phil.” He then laughed at his unintentional rhyme. Dork.

“It was this guy named Darryl who I’d met a few days before, and he was really hot, so I thought hey, why not? And that’s all.” I put my beer down and stood up. “I’m really tired, guys. I’m going inside for a bit.”

“Awww…” whined Louise, pouting adorably. But she waved me off with a stern, “You owe me _time_ , Lester.”

“Hey, does this mean he’s out?” I could hear PJ asking, voices fading off as I shut the door behind me.

I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes. There were so many things raging inside that I hardly knew what to deal with first. Anger, resentment, jealousy, guilt, embarrassment… they mixed inside my stomach to create a deadly potion. I liked Dan. I really, really did. If he were anyone else, _anyone_ else, I would tell him how I felt. But he was Dan, and he was my very best friend in the world. I could not endanger that.

 _Give. Up._ The little voice inside my head pleaded for me to listen. The little voice was usually right. 

I resolved to do just that. Give up my conquest and never tell Dan how I felt. It was the best option, the right thing to do.

So why did it feel… wrong?

...

The second day at the house was fairly uneventful. We swam, ate, drank, talked… It was so fun I managed to put the Dan Issue (as I now called it) to the back of my mind. But the night was not as uneventful.

“It’s so cold out here,” chattered Gabrielle, rubbing her arms in an effort to stay warm. “Why, oh why didn’t I bring thicker clothes?”

“Go inside if you’re cold, Elle,” said Dan, rolling his eyes. Wow. They’d gotten close enough for nicknames. I didn’t notice, of course.

“But then I won’t be out here with you,” she giggled sheepishly. 

That slick bastard. I was grudgingly impressed with her tactics. 

Dan looked at me, grinned, and opened his arms to pull Gabrielle into an embrace.

I clenched my jaw so hard it ached.

“Are you okay, Phil?” asked Louise.

Maybe I wasn’t being so subtle.

“Yeah, I’m perfect.”

We sat outside for another half hour, until the cold was too much and we went inside.

“Goodness,” said PJ, smirking at me. “Where have Dan and Gabrielle got to, now?”

Damn it. _Damn_ it. They were nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it really been a month? I'm sorry, guys, I've been away and without internet access for a few weeks, and I am literally the busiest person on Earth. I promise I'll upload again sometime this week. Comment if you hate me. Anyway... it's getting close, you feel it? And by "it," I mean... well, you'll find out soon enough. HAHAHAHHAHAHA --xx shippingslut


	20. A Flood With No End In Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Phil have a long talk, and Phil finally finds Dan and Gabrielle.

I went outside, slamming the screen door behind me. The chill in the air didn’t even register. The others had winked and giggled, hinting at Dan’s whereabouts. I’d pretended to be amused as well, but inside I was cold, drained from my efforts to deny my feelings. There was an empty space in my chest, a scooped-out cavity where nothing remained. I couldn’t muster any anger, or jealousy, or sadness, or _anything_. There was only a sense of loss. 

I’d had crushes on straight boys before, of course. During high school, I was in love with a boy named Colin, who never found out. In university I had a crush on a boy in my dorm, who kissed me and then never spoke to me again, save, “It was just an experiment to see if I’m gay.”

But this… this was different. _Dan_ was different. 

Would this be the rest of my life? Just watching Dan going on dates, kissing girls, bringing them home, eventually marrying someone else?

I kicked the step, immediately regretting it, as the concrete was hard and my foot was rather brittle.

“Ow,” I muttered. “ _Ow_.”

At least the physical pain helped distract me from the emotional. Wow, I really was becoming a cliché, wasn’t I?

The clouds settled around the house, misting me with droplets. It was a miserable night for everybody, it seemed.

“Are you okay, Phil?”

I jumped, turning quickly. “Who—oh, hey Chris. Yeah, I’m fine.”

He snorted. “No, you’re not.”

I sighed heavily, my breath billowing out in front of me, white and foggy in the cold night air. “How do you do it, Chris?”

His shoe scuffed against the wet grass. “It’s hard. Really hard, some days. He’s… he’s everything I want, everything I need. My best friend, my confidant, my support. I _love_ him, more than I’m supposed to, and he doesn’t feel the same way, and it _hurts_. But… I stay. I stay because if I left I’d be ruined.”

“And you’re not ruined now?”

Chris bit his lip. “Not yet.”

“God, Chris—” I looked away from him, from the man I feared I'd soon become. “Why are you _doing_ this to yourself?”

“Why are you?” he shot back, suddenly defensive. “We’re in the same position, you and me, and I don’t see you doing anything about it.”

“Dan’s my best friend!”

“PJ’s mine!”

We stood there for a moment, breathing heavily and trying not to escalate the situation.

I wasn’t angry at him, not really. I was angrier at myself, at Dan, even though I knew it was illogical to blame him for—for anything.

“I’m sorry,” I relented, pinching the bridge of my nose with two fingers.

Chris nodded, swallowing his tears down. “Me too.” He exhaled, opening his clenched fists and relaxing his shoulders. “Just… good luck, mate.” 

“Yeah, same to you.”

An understanding seemed to pass between us, a mutual bond connecting us through the foggy night. He left me with a clap on the shoulder and the gradual lightening of the sky.

 

…

 

I eventually went back inside to our room when I physically couldn’t move my hands anymore. I opened the doorknob and immediately froze, my insides clenching and twisting and aching.

Dan and Gabrielle were sat on his air mattress, talking quietly. I watched, immobile, while she inched closer and put a hand on his. His shoulders went stiff. I couldn’t see their faces, but the body language was pretty clear, at least to me. Luckily, they were both fully clothed, or else I don’t know how I would have taken it. I wanted to leave so desperately, but my legs didn’t move, even though I was screaming at them to.

“Dan…” I heard her say. “Stop denying it. I know you feel it too.”

He half-laughed, looking down at his hands. “Is it that obvious?”

My stomach hurt and my eyes burned. I hated her I hated her I hated her.

“Yeah, but it’s kind of adorable, I have to say. Strong feelings are hard to hide, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. I’ve known you for two days, and I can see that much. I mean, Dan… You have the sappiest heart eyes I’ve ever seen.”

I heard Dan’s giggle. “I suppose I do.” He sighed. “I’ve just… I’ve never felt like this before. It’s hard to deal with, you know?”

She squeezed his hand, and a pang went through me. “I understand. I’ve been in love before, and it took a lot out of me. But this… I think this’ll be good for you. You deserve this.”

He nodded, tension melting off his shoulders. I couldn’t take more of this, and I cleared my throat before I’d even made the conscious decision to do something.

Both jumped, turning around with startled faces. Dan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“Hey, guys!” My voice was horrible, two octaves higher than my normal tone and heartily, disgustingly chipper. “Hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”

“Hello, Phil.” Gabrielle smiled at me, looking terribly _knowing_ , smug, like her dark eyes were probing the depths of my soul and discovering my deepest secrets.

“Well, I suppose I can leave, if you guys want some privacy…” I trailed off, fighting to keep the sour expression off of my face.

Gabrielle glanced at Dan, who shrugged. “It’s getting late, and I’m pretty tired.”

“Okay.” Gabrielle opened her arms, and I tried not to seethe as Dan stepped willingly into them for a long, lingering goodnight hug. She whispered something in his ear that I strained to catch, but couldn’t.

“Bye, Elle.”

“Bye!”

She left with quick smile and gentle wave. I _wanted_ to like her, I genuinely did; but I just couldn’t.

“She’s great, isn’t she?” asked Dan, grinning at me and hopping into his bed.

I made some noncommittal sound in response and clambered under the covers, relishing the warm blankets over my freezing skin.

“I mean,” Dan continued, “She _understands_ , you know? About a lot of things. It’s like—I don’t know, like an instant bond or something. Kind of what you and I have, but different, obviously.”

He was completely oblivious, rambling on without any thought to the train that had just slammed into me, pulverizing to bits any shred of happiness I’d ever felt in my entire life.

“I’m going to sleep,” I muttered, and dove under the covers, hoping he couldn’t see my face crumple.

“Night, Phil.” Dan turned over and exhaled, making little sounds of contentment as he snuggled into the mattress.

Hot tears began to slip down my face, and I prayed he couldn’t hear me as I tried to stifle my hitching breath.

It was hard. It was so hard. He was _right there_ and I couldn’t have him, couldn’t hold him while he slept, couldn’t kiss him, couldn’t tell him “I love you.”

It was _so easy_ to love him, so easy to want him. But love needs to be reciprocated to have a happy ending. Unrequited love… it was a train running off the tracks, a flood rising with no end in sight.

And I knew… I knew I would never get a happy ending as long as I loved Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so much angst. I'm so sorry, angels. But I promise, your suffering won't be in vain. I hope you don't hate me :)))) Comment if you want to cut my head off--xx Shippingslut


	21. Talks and Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil stays in bed the day after the Dan and Gabrielle incident.

“Wake up, sleepyhead!”

I groaned and pulled the toasty covers over my head. I couldn’t remember where I was, or why my eyes were so puffy for a moment, but Dan’s voice was comforting and familiar until the events of the previous night came rushing back.

“Don’t you want any breakfast? Louise bought bagels.”

“Not hungry,” I said shortly, and it was true. I’d never felt less like eating in my life. Heartbreak makes food taste like cardboard. 

I heard Dan whistle. “Wow, are you sick? I’ve never heard you turn down breakfast food.”

“My stomach hurts,” and that was also true.

“Oh.” Dan paused. “I’m sorry, Phil. Do you want me to stay?”

I never wanted to see him again and at the same time he was all I wanted to see.

“No, go have breakfast with _Gabrielle_.” That came out bitchier than I’d intended, and I internally winced, hoping Dan wouldn’t pick up on my obvious jealousy. 

“Er, alright.” I felt his hand come down on my shoulder, heavy and awkward and too painful but so soothing. “Hope you feel better.”

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep.

 

…

 

“Phil!”

I looked up. “What?”

Louise rolled her eyes. “You’ve just been reading in bed for the whole day. Are you actually sick?” She took the book out of my hands. “Come _on_ , Phil. Something’s wrong. I may be a little thick sometimes, but even I can sense that something’s off.”

I groaned, running my fingers through my hair, tangles pulling painfully at my scalp.

“Lou…”

“Philip. I cannot bear to watch you wallow this pathetically.” She scooted closer to me, putting her warm hand on mine and looking into my eyes, a pitying expression on her face. “You’re in love.”

I slumped back. “You guessed it.”

“Ha!” Louise let go of me and clapped her hands together with a delighted expression. “I knew it! I knew—oh, Phil, I’m sorry.”

A laugh bubbled in me, strangely enough. “It’s okay. I need to get over him, anyway.”

“Is it…” Louise hesitated, her face suddenly dropping. “Is it Dan?”

My silence was all the confirmation she needed. 

“Oh no.”

I smiled bitterly. “Yeah.”

“No, you don’t understand, I’ve messed everything up,” she said loudly, eyes widening in alarm.

“What? What do you mean? Louise!” I shouted.

Louise twisted her hands together. “Don’t be mad at me, okay?”

I nodded, a sick feeling in my stomach. 

“The reason I invited Gabrielle on this trip was to set her up with Dan! The poor thing’s been quite lonely and withdrawn ever since her horrible ex-boyfriend, Oscar, broke her heart. I thought they’d be good together! And it--fuck, turns out that you’re in love with him…Oh, God, why am I so _stupid_?”

The news didn’t hit me as hard as she was expecting it to. 

“It’s all right, Louise. Dan doesn’t like me back, anyway, and he and Gabrielle seem to be hitting it off…so I’ll get over him.”

Louise sniffled, looking absolutely heartbroken and guilty. I wanted to tell her not to beat herself up, but it seemed like a lost cause.

“And another thing,” I paused. “Chris is in love with PJ.”

“Oh my _God_!”

 

…

 

I was determined to stay in bed for the rest of the day.

“Phil, we got pizza for dinner,” Dan wheedled, head poking into the room from behind the door. 

I managed a weak smile in his direction. “I’m all right.”

“C’mon.” Dan crossed the room and sat down on my bed. “Spill, Phil.” He laughed at his unintentional rhyme, then grew serious again. “I’m starting to get worried.”

“Dork.” I made a weak stab at our usual playful teasing. “I’m fine. Just under the weather.”

He sighed, a heavy, disappointed sound. “Don’t tell me the truth. Okay.” His usually bright brown eyes dimmed the slightest bit.

“Dan…”

He got up and left without saying a word. My throat grew tight with shame and guilt, and I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears that pricked at the corners. 

“Damn it,” I whispered. “Damn it.”

 

…

 

Dan came back in my room after dinner.

“I brought you a slice, Phil,” he said quietly, putting the plate down on the floor next to my bed.

I sat up, pushing the blankets off of me and avoiding his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Dan nodded, looking down. “It’s all right. I shouldn’t have pushed you. You deserve your space.”

I motioned for him to come sit next to me. He did, a bit hesitantly. 

“I just—” He broke off.

“What?”

Dan bit his lip. “I don’t like seeing you sad.”

I exhaled, finally meeting his eyes. We were sitting extremely close to one another. “Who said I was sad?”

Dan was quiet for a moment. “I just knew.” He awkwardly patted me on the back. I could feel the heat from his hand through my shirt.

“Thanks, Dan.”

He flashed me a smile, a genuine, lovely smile that crinkled his eyes and transformed his face into something glad.

“Of course, Phil. I’m your best friend.”

I loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school is starting, so you know what that means: more frequent updates!!! sad to say that this fic is soon to be drawing to a close, but hey, i've got others i've already written and LOADS of ideas for new projects. always open to prompts and suggestions, as well, so comment what you want me to write next! --xx shippingslut


	22. Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last day at Louise's brings some... surprises.

It was the final full day of our holiday at Louise’s, and she was determined to make it count. She’d bought streamers, alcohol, balloons, cake, and much more to make it an actual party.

“Lou,” said Gabrielle through a mouthful of cake, “This is lovely.”

She and Dan had been spending a lot of time together, something I’d tried to put out of my mind. 

Louise’s cheeks reddened, and she beamed at all of us. “Always happy to host my friends.”

How I appreciated Louise.

PJ put on some music, and we relaxed against our seats, eating cake and laughing. It was so easy to get swept up in the comradery of the group. But, as always, the Dan Issue niggled at the back of my mind, my innards roaring in jealousy whenever Gabrielle touched him.

It got late, and the stars glimmered overhead as we once again sat around a crackling fire. I felt a strange sort of premature nostalgia, even though we hadn’t left yet. Time felt like wax dripping from a candle, solidifying all too soon and in the wrong shapes, and my throat tightened as I began to think about all the opportunities I’d missed with Dan.

Dan was… he was a beautiful enigma that wasn’t at all mysterious or strange once you got to know him. He was the sun brightening over mountainous peaks, the shadow of a whisper, the colour of deep sea. He was something different than anything I’d ever known, and this should have frightened me but it didn’t, not now. I knew him too well. And I loved him too deeply to ever regret meeting him but… I would always wonder what my life would be if we hadn’t. If we hadn’t become friends, if I hadn’t fallen in love, if he’d moved out two months after he arrived at my doorstep. 

I shivered, the thought of never knowing him making my stomach twist and my skin prickle. Before I’d consciously thought about it, I clumsily rose and stumbled to the back of the house, breathing harshly. The moon was bright and cast a welcome glow over the grass so I didn’t fall and kill myself in the darkness.

I passed a shaking hand over my face, not understanding why I was so panicky.

“Phil?”

I stilled. _Of course it was him_.

“Hey,” I said, willing my voice to sound normal.

He was a statue, the moonlight casting strange shadows on the contours of his face.

“Are you all right?”

I wanted to say yes, but I was tired of lying to him. “Not particularly.”

His eyebrows pulled together in concern, and he took another step closer. “What’s wrong?”

I half-laughed, the sound more sigh than amusement. “I can’t really tell you, Daniel.”

“Why not?”

My heart was pounding faster than it ever had. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m being stupid, but—” I broke off. This was a bad, bad idea. “Never mind.”

“ _Tell_ me, Philip.”

I turned my gaze away from him, studying the grass at my feet. I said nothing.

“Phil.” He grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes, and I suddenly realized how _close_ we were. This was not good. This was, potentially, Very Bad.

“Phil, I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, by Kanye himself, I will—”

“I’m in love with you, you idiot!”

Boom. There it was. I’d really done it. I’d wrecked the perfect friendship. I forced myself to keep my eyes open to deal with the inevitable fallout.

Except… he wasn’t backing away in disgust and wiping his hands on his jeans. He didn’t look angry or sickened at all. 

Dan’s eyes were wide, huge, non-blinking. His lips parted slightly. I saw a dimple start to form in his left cheek.

“Phil Lester,” he breathed, still not letting go of my shoulders. Terrible, terrible hope started re-inflating my heart.

“I’m—I’m sorry—” I squeaked, not knowing quite what was going on.

He shook his head slowly, marvelously. “No. No,” he said, voice going low and husky. “Don’t.”

My hands nervously hovered at his sides, for once not taking charge.

“So…” I said softly, daring to broach the subject. 

“So.”

We looked at each other, moonlight illuminating us in the cold of night. My nervous hands deliberately, tentatively, made their way to his face, settling gently on either side of his face. His skin was soft and smooth as silk.

I leaned in, staring into his eyes, stopping a little every second to make sure it was okay. He nodded shallowly. I could feel his pulse throbbing in time with mine under my pinkie finger.

Our lips touched and I closed my eyes. His mouth was warm, giving easily to mine. The kiss was simple, sweet, slow.

His hands ran down the length of my sides, stopping to settle at my waist. I still held his face in mine.

We pulled away after a minute, resting our foreheads against each other. I felt something rising in me then, something so deep and so powerful that I couldn’t describe it if I wanted to. 

“I love you too, by the way,” said Dan. “Just in case you couldn’t pick up on that.”

I started to laugh, and so did he, a relieved, high-pitched giggle I didn’t know either of us was capable of making.

We stepped away, sliding our hands down to drop at our sides. Neither of us talked; not a word was needed.

There was a brief moment of something that passed between us, just me and Dan.

He took my hand and we walked back to the fireside, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, guys. The End. But not really, as I'm planning to write a loooong epilogue after this. and THEN it's the end. it's been a long time coming, and i really appreciate all of you reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. --xx shippingslut


	23. Entirety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day you've all been waiting for.

I took a deep breath, straightening my tie and flicking my fringe into place. My phone buzzed with a message from Dan.

 _I’m freaking out_ , it read. _How’re you doing?_

I smiled and sent, _I’m strangely calm. Don’t think reality has quite sunk in yet_.

_Lucky. I’m going mad here, wish I could be w you, but Louise has cornered me. Something about my hair. ttyl._

I set the phone down, looking myself in the mirror one last time before I took a deep breath and opened the door of my room.

I walked down to Dan’s hotel room and knocked, hearing faint shouts and vaguely frightening noises emitting from the space within. The door flew open, Louise looking wild-eyed and frantic.

“Oh, no, now we’ll _never_ get anything done,” she lamented. “Ugh, come in, I suppose.”

I laughed, closing the door behind me. “I just couldn’t be alone for another second.”

PJ clapped me on the shoulder. “Phil! How’re you doing, mate?”

“I don’t really know. Um, I—”

I stopped then because Dan was stepping out of the bathroom, and he was beautiful, and I literally could not utter another word.

“Hey,” he said, voice gravelly. “I’ve been trying to straighten my hair for an hour, but _some_ people were trying to dissuade me.” He shot a glare at Chris and Cat, both grinning devilishly. 

“But you look so much better with it curly!” protested Cat. “Phil, you have to help us.”

I shrugged. “He looks good to me either way.”

Dan kissed my cheek. Gabrielle groaned. “Come _on_ , guys, we already know you’re sickeningly in love. It’s pissing off all of your single friends.”

I’d gotten on much better terms with Gabrielle in the past two years, as she’d confided that the ill-timed conversation with Dan had been about his feelings for _me_. And now that I wasn’t jealous of her, she’d become one of my close friends.

“You never know, Elle, you could hit it off with one of Phil’s pals from uni,” Louise remarked, now fixing her mascara, face comically elongated so as to not smudge black around her eyes. 

I snorted. “Yeah, right. Good luck with future romantic conquests there, Elle.”

Gabrielle laughed, swatting my shoulder. “Whatever, Lester.”

“Fuck, it’s almost eleven o’clock. Hurry up, guys.” Chris shoved us to the door, and we filed through it, tripping over each other in our panic.

Dan and I fell behind the others as we all walked downstairs.

“So,” I said softly, brushing my hand against his.

“So.” 

I looked over at him, studying the beautiful and constantly shifting planes of his face.

Much like the night we first kissed, we didn’t need words.

 

…

 

I picked at a nail, heart pounding in my chest as I waited for our cue. My dad adjusted his grip on my arm. I could see Dan’s father whispering in his ear.

“Philip,” said my father quietly. He was smiling, eyes crinkling at the edges. “I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, and…” He gestured at Dan. “It seems you’ve found it.”

I lay my head on his shoulder just for a moment. “I’m very happy,” I said softly, something in me expanding like a balloon.

“Good.” My dad squeezed my shoulder.

The music started, and right on time, my palms started to sweat.

“Here we go,” I heard Dan say nervously.

Dan and his father went first, all the guests standing as the two pairs of father and son made their way down the aisle.

“Oh my god,” I heard my mum say tearfully and I waved at her, eyes beginning to brim as well.

I made it up without tripping, thankfully, and we turned to face each other, Dan as fumbling and tense as the day I first met him. I almost laughed, recollecting the way he blushed and stammered. What idiots we were back then! And look at us now.

Oh, God. I’d zoned out for too long. It was time for our vows. Luckily, Dan volunteered to go first.

“Phil Lester.” He took a deep, nervous breath, then smiled, seeming to relax.

“I… love you. And that’s not easy for me to say. When we met, God,” he half-laughed, “I was a wreck. I thought I knew what I wanted, who I was, what I was going to do with my life and then I rang your bell. You… you saved me from a life of boring jobs and meaningless ties and catapulted me into one full of life, and laughter, and love. I am so grateful to you for that. And I’m not even mentioning the countless times you stayed with me when I was in a bad place and helped me out of the pit of sadness I’d dug for myself. Not counting the times we ate pancakes in the kitchen while the morning sun was streaming in and I looked at you and thought, _how did I ever manage to get so lucky_ , and the time you gave a homeless woman money like it was no big deal and I thought, _he is a good person_. I have so many moments like that, and so many stories. But, for the sake of time, I’ll save them for other days. For now, I promise you that I will—” He paused, choking up. “I will always, always be there for you like you’ve been there for me. I, Daniel James Howell, will never stop loving you, Phil, as long as I live.”

He put his face in his hands, clearly overcome. I stared at him, tears running down my cheeks, and managed a shaky laugh.

“How am I supposed to follow that?” 

That got a laugh from the guests, most of whom were sniffling into handkerchiefs. Poor PJ was bawling into his program.

“I don’t have a sappy, waffling speech like yours, Dan. My vows are quite short, actually. Um, here they are, I suppose: I will always make your favorite pancakes and try not to eat your cereal. I will let you watch anime while you’re drinking tea as long as I get to watch with you. I’ll never leave you alone when you’re feeling sad. I’ll sit in our living room scrolling Tumblr with you for hours, never saying a word, and never feel anything but completely comfortable. And I promise, Dan, that I love you in the word’s entirety, and never anything less.”

He’d lost it, and I supposed I had, as well. The minister waited for us to get under control, and said the final words, “Do you, Daniel James Howell, and do you, Philip Michael Lester, take each other to be your lawfully wedded husbands?”

We took each other’s hands, and in unison, said, “I do.”

I couldn’t hear his next words over the roaring in my ears, but I knew it was official after Dan pulled me close and kissed me, long and lingering and sweet.

The room erupted in cheers and I was too stunned to cry.

“Did we—Are we—” I asked him, grinning so hard my cheeks hurt.

“I think so,” he answered, gripping my hand tightly and steering me down the aisle through all the well-wishers. 

“Dan! Phil!” Our parents reached us first, our siblings and cousins close behind.

“Told ya, brother,” whispered Martyn, punching me playfully in the arm. I rolled my eyes, giving him a tight hug.

“Shut up,” I told him. 

Louise gave me a huge bear hug, crying so hard her mascara ran down her cheeks. 

“I love you!” she blubbered, burying her face into my neck. I cracked up, patting her on the back.

“Oh, Lou,” I said fondly. “What would I do without you?”

She pulled back and frowned at me, eyes puffy and tearstained. “Die, obviously.”

Gabrielle gave me a squeeze on the arm, smiling and conveying everything she wanted to say through her eyes, which were shiny with unshed tears.

Cat kissed me on the cheek and winked at Dan, brandishing a tissue at Louise.

PJ and Chris came up next, holding hands.

“What?” screeched Louise, obviously having missed the memo. “What—when—how—”

She was saved from her sputtering when Chris filled her in on their last-month hookup.

I grinned and took Dan’s hand, pulling him along through the crowd of well-wishers. 

We sprinted, laughing and red-faced, to the massive room where the reception would be held soon. For now, though, it was empty, a brief calm in the beautiful storm of today.

“That was a gorgeous speech,” Dan told me, tracing the lines in my palm.

I shrugged, entire body tingling. “Yours made everyone cry. Mine was… weird and _not_ sappy.”

“Oh, shut up. You loved it.”

“So I did. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t sappy.”

Dan paused in the rubbing of my hand. “Yeah. Yours was more simple and genuine.”

I chose to end the Playful Discourse before it started, not really in the mood for banter.

The music was faint in the distance.

“I am… so in love with you,” I said quietly, pressing a kiss to his temple.

He put his head on my shoulder. “And I you.”

We stood there for a moment, hearing the sounds of our friends and family getting closer.

“Want to kiss me one last time before the madness begins?” 

I laughed, threading my hands around his neck and closing my eyes.

“One last time? That’s not a promise I can easily make.”

And I pressed my lips to his, loving him, loving us in our entirety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really it. The actual Ending. Thank you so much for everyone who has read, left kudos, and commented. You're great and I hope you liked reading this story as much as I liked telling it. I have so many more projects in the works, so don't be discouraged if you're in the mood for some more Dan and Phil. I'll keep it coming if you keep reading. And, um, bye, I guess!  
> And one last time --xx shippingslut

**Author's Note:**

> Posting more shortly. Thanks for reading x


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